Okay folks, let’s face one thing up front: I am an intellectual marvel. Wherever I go, I’m the smartest guy in the room, and I announce this very fact whenever I enter a room. And does anyone challenge me? No, the other people just stare at me as if they have no idea what’s going on. Idiots.
I can’t teach you how to be like me, but I can help you set yourself apart from the drooling masses. With the right SAT scores, you too can find yourself in an esteemed institution of higher learning. You forget about these common SAT myths, and soon you will be able to fulfill your dreams of joining a kinky secret society founded by a U.S. President, or devouring handfuls of fresh ivy leaves straight from the wall (that’s right, it’s edible).
Myth #1: If you smear chapstick on your Scantron sheet, the machine will read all your answers as correct.
Sadly, this trick is a dead end, and I have witnessed far too many desperate students throwing their college careers away with this technique. If chapstick ever worked, test makers have since pioneered a way to stop it. Instead, lather your answer sheet with Pace® Extra Chunky Chipotle Salsa. Not only will you get a perfect score, but you’ll also be ready for a fiesta loca! Pace®—Grab the Southwest by the Bottle.
Myth #2: You get 200 points just for spelling your name correctly.
This may or may not be true, but 200 points will only get you so far. What if I said you could get an even higher bonus? Here’s the key: instead of penciling in your own name in the little bubbles, write in “David Coleman.” He is not only the president and CEO of the SAT’s College Board, but also an ancient pagan blood deity who demands constant tribute. Praising his dark name will earn you 666 additional points, and who can turn down that offer? Ave, Coleman, morituri te salutamas.
Myth #3: There is a third SAT myth.
There is no third SAT myth. Few things in life are true, and there are no fairy tales. Grow up.
Myth #4: Once you’re in college, everyone will be comparing their SAT scores.
This is one of the more irrational stories I hear from prospective collegians. Luckily, it’s all baloney. No one will be comparing their scores to yours, as all universities in the United States are legally obligated to segregate their student bodies by levels of intelligence. Don’t worry about some 2400 hotshot putting you in your place; the wall between you will be twelve feet high and covered in razor wire.
Myth #5: Your SAT score alone determines where you get into college.
No way, it’s just one number! What you put down on paper will never make or break you. Rather, it’s what you slip in between the pages that counts. Most people settle with large wads of cash. This is a good start, but often not enough for the avaricious SAT graders. I would recommend including something more substantial, like the deed to your house. And if your parents are concerned about being homeless? Maybe they should have thought about buying multiple houses if they ever expected to send their kids to college.