Monthly Archives: December 2014

5 Superhero Movies Marvel Might As Well Be Making

Marvel

If you can name five superheroes, chances are that they each have their own movie already, or will in the near future. With this comic book deluge, however, Marvel is running out of champions to put up on the silver screen. To keep that cash cow milking out moolah for years to come, here are five original, hastily-thought-out heroes that you will probably end up paying to see:

Bee Boy: Six-year-old Brian Beasley used to be deathly afraid of bees, until he was stung by one! Realizing that it doesn’t hurt so bad after all, he now even thinks that bees are kind of neat, though not quite as cool as dinosaurs. Channeling the fear that once consumed him, Bee Boy can walk past even the most heavily hornet-infested swingset without bursting into tears!

Dr. Handsome: With dashing looks, immeasurable charm, and a cushy position as an anesthesiologist, Dr. Handsome is irresistible to all women in their 30’s who really really want to get married. Friend and foe alike shake in terror as their mothers question why they can’t be more like Dr. Handsome!

Rosetta Stone: Finally, a female superhero with smarts and independence! Big-brained Rosetta can speak every language in the world, at an elementary level. Sure, she may not be much in the way of combat, but her real strength is her ability to command and communicate with any human. Watch with awe as she asks where the library is on all six inhabited continents!

The Horrendous Hoagie: Contrived at 4AM to meet a last-minute studio deadline, this wise-cracking turkey sandwich is no picnic! Hoagie is not only a master of disguise, but he is also capable of shooting radioactive mayonnaise blasts. He is a great ally in a pinch, and his humor is as wry as he is rye. Just don’t try to eat him!

Purple Viking: Developed as a star vehicle for Adrian Peterson, this hero possesses superhuman strength, runs at lightning speed, and has a cool Nordic-themed costume. Oh, all those things have been done before, you say? Well, here’s the twist: he is invincible against children! No matter the odds, the Purple Viking can vanquish any malevolent minor who comes his way. Look out for a climactic showdown against Bee Boy with a shocking outcome that everyone saw coming.

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