Monthly Archives: January 2013

Wordplay Dictionary: Slide Show

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slide show

noun

1. a presentation of pictures and information; always the inappropriate response to the question, “How was your vacation?”

The school let Ms. Norris go after some graphic personal photographs found their way onto her slide show on Japanese internment camps during World War II.

2. an exposition showcasing the classic children’s playground structure, a ramp attached to a ladder

Did you hear that the police arrested fourteen sex offenders at the slide show last weekend?

3. a heated confrontation in which two or more trombone players vie for dominance by extending the metal tubing of their instruments to full length until a winner is decided

Once the other prisoners learned that Mitchell had been sent to jail for a slide show gone wrong, they never gave him any trouble again.

4. the process by which the crotch of one’s swimsuit shifts to the side as a person descends a water slide, thereby giving all onlookers an unimpaired view of the genitalia

Woah, Ms. Norris gave everyone a full slide show when she was coming down the Aquanator. I haven’t seen anything like that since history class.

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Live Performance of the Week: “Baba O’Riley” by The Who

The Who affirm their status among the world’s loudest and energetic bands in this video. From the synth intro to the harmonica solo, this iconic song shines where other masterpieces fail to deliver live on stage. Also, be sure to take in the glory of Keith Moon in one of his final performances

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2013 Australian Open Men’s Singles Predictions

Later this evening, the tennis world will turn its eyes to the Australian Open, the first Grand Slam of the season. But who will win it all? Here are my predictions:

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Quarter 1: As the oddsmaker’s favorite and 3-time champion, Novak Djokovic will cruise through this quarter, especially with a cakewalk draw. Do not expect him to drop a set until the second week. The dark horse in this group is South American Kevin Anderson, who has a big hard court game that should smash through the weaker parts of this section.

Quarter 2: World No. 4 Rafael Nadal’s absence leaves a huge void in the bracket and provides a huge opportunity for a non-Big Four player. With no clear-cut favorite in this section, rising star Kei Nishikori is my pick to make it to the semifinals. He owns a winning record against fourth seed David Ferrer, who is likely exhausted after a long 2012 and two warm up tournaments, and eighth seed Janko Tipsarevic has a difficult draw that ensures an early exit.

Quarter 3: This section is all about Andy Murray and Juan Martin Del Potro. Both stars posted impressive finishes to the 2012 season and should enter the Aussie Open in form. In what will be a titanic quarterfinal, I stuck with Del Potro because he has taken at least a set off of Murray in each of their meetings and so desperately wants a win against the Big Four in a major. Also, the first round match between Gael Monfils and Alexandr Dolgopolov should be entertaining, but both players are too inconsistent to make a deep run in the tournament.

Quarter 4: Since the release of the bracket, one of the big stories has been Roger Federer’s “nightmare” draw. However, the Swiss maestro’s path is not quite that perilous. Benoit Paire and Nikolay Davydenko lack the level of play to give him more than a bit of trouble. Up-and-comers Bernard Tomic and Milos Raonic are mentally suspect and cannot match Federer’s full court game. Unfortunately, the health and consistency of seventh seed Jo-Wilfried Tsonga always make the Frenchman a huge question mark in the later stages of a tournament. Inevitably, we will see Federer emerge from this quarter victorious, though not unscathed.

Semifinal #1: While Nishikori will make an amazing run to reach the semifinals, Djokovic will simply outplay him in this matchup. The Serb’s superior talent and experience will pull him through in straight sets, though look for the first two to be very competitive.

Semifinal #2: While Federer may own Del Potro in their head-to-head record, the Argentine owns big wins over the superstar at the 2009 U.S. Open and in their past two meetings. Still, the Swiss will make his way to the final in four tight sets, as Del Potro struggles against him in the bigger events and will surely be sapped from his epic victory over Murray.

Final: The blockbuster final will feature best player of recent times against the best player of all time, both with multiple Australian Open titles. Based on their match-ups in 2012, neither player has a decisive match advantage, meaning that intangible determinants–the need for victory and public expectation–will decide this final. These factors will weigh heavily on World Number One Novak Djokovic, who has not won a Major in a year. Additionally, Federer’s tougher draw will better prepare him for a challenging final, and he will come away with his fifth Australian Open title.

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A Special Delivery

I’ve started handing out fruit to postal workers to energize them throughout the day. I call it natural mail enhancement.

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Live Performance of the Week: “Blues Hand Me Down”

This clip came on a Letterman rerun a few weeks back, and they blew me away (thank God for prepositions). Lead singer Ty Taylor is channeling his inner Sly Stone, and coincidentally performing similar moves in the same theater.

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Wordplay Dictionary: Animal-Lover

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animal-lover

noun

1.  a person who adores animals so much that she is willing to purchase them from a dirty store, force them to act as her closest friends, and humiliate them in public.

Duffy loves it when I take pictures of him in his little green top hat. He’s sure lucky that an animal-lover bought him!

 

2.  a PETA member; someone who attempts to fill his inner void by preaching endlessly about animal rights at family barbecues.

Why doesn’t that animal-lover get a job and leave my turducken alone?

 

3.  an obsessive or zealous meat-eater; a bad person to get stranded at sea with.

You can’t bring Phillip into a pet store; he’s an animal-lover!

 

4.  any person who carries on a romantic relationship with a member of the Kingdom Animalia outside of the Homo sapien species.

Ooh, the doorbell! I hope my animal-lover brought me flowers!

5.  an avid fan of The Muppets character, Animal

Nobody sits with Stephen at lunch because that animal-lover won’t talk about anything besides a children’s puppet show.

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