Monthly Archives: November 2013

Fun Thanksgiving Facts You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

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It’s that special time of year where families come together all across the country to feast on turkey and celebrate the autumn harvest. But you probably don’t know the whole story behind the holiday. Here’s some fun Thanksgiving trivia:

  • The Pilgrims wore buckles on their shoes and hats to strap themselves to the floats in the Macy’s parade and keep them from flying away
  • “Yams” is a very old-fashioned sounding word
  • Turkey was not served at the very first Thanksgiving. Instead, the Pilgrims dined on goose, lobster, walnuts, peas, and Squanto, who was devoured in order to absorb his vast knowledge of agriculture
  • The early Mayans never even knew that Thanksgiving existed. I guess that calendar of theirs isn’t so great after all, huh?
  • By simply tracing the shape of your hand, you can draw a turkey that looks good enough to eat! Unless you’re missing some fingers, which means that you should probably just put the poor creature to sleep
  • Jesus and the Apostles celebrated an early form of Thanksgiving at the Last Supper. Of course, it was in the spring because it took place in the eastern hemisphere
  • If you’re anything like me, you love cranberry sauce. But did you know that cranberries are grown in a bog? That’s kind of spooky when you think about it
  • In 2012, Lions’ DT Ndamukong Suh crashed the White House Thanksgiving ceremony in a giant turkey costume in hopes of receiving a presidential pardon to pay off his NFL fines
  • The Indians only invited a few Puritans to come to America for Thanksgiving, so it was really awkward when they all showed up in that big ship without asking
  • European settlers named the turkey after the country of the same name, since both the bird and the Turkish have prominent wattles in the neck area
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12 Lifehacks You Can’t Live Without

1. If you need a gift for a child’s birthday party, just give them a paper towel roll and say it’s a telescope. How about a box full of telescopes, cool uncle? Or should I call you favorite uncle?

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2. Hungry for fresh produce? Chances are that one of your neighbors has a vegetable garden, and there’s not even decently sized fence around it. Be in charge of your own destiny!

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3. If you’re a heavy sleeper, don’t rely on a stupid alarm clock. Get a baby–you can make one yourself or just scout for unsuspecting parents at the mall!

https://i2.wp.com/www.kcconfidential.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Crying+Baby+Natural+High+for+Some+Moms.jpg4. Clothes never want to stay on their hangers. Why not just nail them to the wall? They’ll never fall off again, and it will send a firm message to the other rebellious garments.

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5. Have lots of empty tin cans? Just glue the tops back on and donate them to your local food kitchen. Your neighbors will be impressed when they think they see how generous you are.

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6. Is your kitchen filthy? Just have your maid clean it up, dummy!

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7. If your sneakers get wet in the rain, just stuff them with newspaper and they will dry overnight. This is actually really helpful.

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8. Having a weight issue? Try vomiting after every meal, and drop the pounds fast. All of your friends will be dazzled when they learn your secret.

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9. Are the robo-Prussians dropping sulfionic bombs around your oxygenated ecosphere? Just turn your lights off and shut the curtains, and they won’t even know you’re there. [publisher’s note: don’t publish this one until after the start of World War III]

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10. If your spouse or parents is angry because you forgot their birthday, just drive your car into tree. They’ll see that their birthday wasn’t so important after all.

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11. Food sticking to all your pots and pans? They sell this now. You know, like in a store.

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12. Pick your nose. The finger is God’s greatest gift to humanity, so don’t hide it under a bushel basket. But don’t throw that bushel basket away, since you’ll need to wipe your finger on something.

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Profound Messages from What Would I Say?

Within the past half hour, What Would I Say–the app that reforms your Facebook posts into insightful new messages–has shown me the secrets of the universe and articulated facts about myself that I never knew existed. Here are some highlights:

Philosophy

  • Because you’re never been in one day of the euphoric sensation of human being emptied out
  • Maybe it will launch the lighthouse into space.
  • Some simple logic now=2012=apocalypse; Tim Tebow performs miracles; Jesus performs miracles; Jesus Christ.
  • This is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

Celebrity Gossip

  • We never thought Hank Williams Jr. would consider himself a gigantic, multilevel facility.
  • FITZ AND sour soup inches away from Lady Gaga.
  • Chad Qualls should never have trusted the weekend.
  • Appropriately, there was an anchorman reference asshole.

Personal Manifestos

  • Wham bam thank you, I will be making a bold reemergence into popular culture.
  • just found a penny in the Vietnam War.
  • All these commercialist hypocrites are my hero, tyler
  • I have an indefinite amount of joy from personal crisis.
  • Here’s a glue stick.

This was a lazy post. Thanks for reading it anyway.

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Dan Fitzpatrick at Boston’s Best in College Comedy

With a bunch of other fantastic college comedians, I took to the stage at Emerson College with some new material, fan favorites, and an argyle sweater. I hope you enjoy.

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Would You Rather? (November 2013)

The theme this time around is unconventional justice.

Would you rather:

Have the psychic power to make anyone within a 25 foot radius eat all the garbage in the street if you spot them littering.

OR

Be able to summon ordinary Chesapeake blue crabs–up to four per day–to pursue and torment America’s most wanted criminals until sundown.

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