Author Archives: The Danopticon

Disappointing Field Trip Destinations

Bored-kids

The Museum of Plaques

Yellowstone National Parking Lot

Meet and Greet with Your Local State Farm Representative

Aquarium of Microscopic Organisms

(Discarded Chunks of) Mount Rushmore

Colonial Williams-Sonoma

Taxidermy Petting Zoo

National Gallery of Drying Paint

Symphony Hall and Oates

Two Months Before the Battle of Gettysburg Reenactment

Hall of Presidents Pro Tempore

Beige Factory

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Feedback for Famous Villains (Other Than Hitler) Who Flunked Art School

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Sauron

Sauron seemed a very promising student during our intro to jewelry-making unit, but later ruined a perfectly good piece by scribbling all over it in subpar cursive. Furthermore, he has revealed himself to be a poor collaborator, ordering his classmates to “bend to his will” and refer to him as “The Dark Lord.” We advise his highness to scoop up his new-age baubles and open an Etsy shop.

 

Jack the Ripper

Though a bit messy for some tastes, Jack’s carving style is undeniably distinctive. Several copycats in the school have already adopted his technique. Unfortunately, we have been unable to find out who he actually is, and therefore are unable to award full credit.

 

Trix Rabbit

Mr. Rabbit lacks any creative integrity whatsoever. It’s one thing to steal the work of another artist, but it’s even lower to purloin supplies from his fellow students. He’s even been caught pilfering cheap BIC crayons stolen from the children’s classroom. Really, Rabbit? BICs are for kids.

 

Vlad the Impaler

An apple skewered with a stick, a clock skewered with a stick, a stick skewered with a stick. Yep, we sense a formula here.

Have you tried drinking the blood of a more talented artist?

 

Cruella De Vil

Having an art school haircut does not make one an artist. This is a lesson Ms. De Vil has yet to learn, along with her woeful habit of covering all her work with Dalmatian spots. If you want to create meaningful art about dogs, paint them playing poker.

 

Godzilla

Godzilla re-enrolls in our academy every few years, but his results are always as dismal as before. After weeks of constructing a painstakingly detailed model of some major city, Godzilla will stumble and crash into the mini metropolis. He then claims the entire scene is some kind of allegory for nuclear war, but all this grader sees is a rubber-skinned iguana who does not watch where he steps. Derivative!

 

Pontius Pilate

Great art is timeless. Alas, Pilate only cares about what is popular in the moment. A crowd of people demands something gaudy; Pilate plasters his canvas with sequins. Five minutes later, that same crowd says minimalism is in, and Pilate strips his entire piece down. Make up your mind!

On top of that, Pilate wastes far too much valuable time in the studio repeatedly washing his hands.

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Donald Trump Tweets Reviews of Classic Christmas Movies

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‘Tis the season for unreason! For better or worse, our new President-Elect is not shy about sharing his opinions on Twitter, whether he’s bashing Alec Baldwin’s “sad” impression on SNL or recommending that flag-burners should go to jail. That’s all good and well, but what we Americans are really looking for are some solid recommendations for Christmas flicks. After all, this is very likely the last Christmas ever.

Accordingly, we at The Danopticon dug into the Trump Twitter vault to scrounge up some previously unpublished movie reviews. Will Trump fire your holiday favorite, or will he declare it to be the very best? Take a look:

It’s a Wonderful Life

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A Christmas Story

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Christmas Vacation

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The Santa Clause

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How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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Frosty the Snowman

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Thanks for reading, and have a bigly merry Christmas!

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12 Shocking Game of Thrones Facts That Will Change Your World Forever

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Only the most hardcore Thrones fans know these facts. Let us know what surprises you the most in the comments section!

  • Showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss want Game of Thrones to have a more realistic, human feel than other fantasy shows, which is why Jon Snow is seen using the toilet at least once per episode.
  • No character in the show has actually ever said the word “dragon.”
  • What a coincidence! We all know fan favorite Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf, but actor Peter Dinklage discovered during the filming of season three that he too has dwarfism. “It really gave me insight into Tyrion’s mind that I didn’t have early on in the show,” admitted Dinklage.
  • A Song of Ice and Fire author George R.R. Martin cameos as a horse every season.
  • Composer Ramin Djawadi wrote the Game of Thrones theme song just thirty minutes before the show premiered, after finding out last-minute that they weren’t allowed to use the Seinfeld bassline.
  • Thrones is not above product placement to balance out its massive budget. This is most evident in House Greyjoy’s changing its motto from “We Do Not Sow” to “Can You Hear Me Now?”
  • To get the proper reaction from actors during The Purple Wedding, producers decided to actually poison actor Jack Gleeson. “At the end of the day, murdering a child was the only way to go,” explained Benioff.
  • The show’s principal filming locations are Northern Ireland, Croatia, and Newark, NJ.
  • The most challenging aspect of shooting the huge battle scenes is convincing the extras to pick up their prop swords, as many fear the weapons will get fused to their hands.
  • Some superfans are giving their kids GoT-inspired names, like “Castle” and “Breasts.”
  • Martin based many elements of Westeros on real historical events and places. For example, The Wall was inspired by an old refrigerator that Martin’s parents used to lock him inside of as a child.
  • “She’ll be taking lots of improv classes, but she won’t be very good,” says Weiss on what’s next for Arya’s training in Season 7.
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My Night with Muhammad Ali

muhammad ali

This Friday, Muhammad Ali passed away at the age of 74. I can’t claim to know that much about him–I don’t really follow boxing–but I sure do admire him. He was an incredible athlete, a superb wit, and a civil rights icon. Since his death, I’ve come across numerous accounts of ordinary people meeting the legend and remarking upon the warmth and graciousness that he showed to strangers. It seems everyone has their Muhammad Ali story. Here’s mine.

It was an unseasonably warm evening back in March of 2012. After downing my fifth virgin daiquiri of the night, I found myself in the men’s room of Atlantic City’s Showboat casino. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Bathroom-stall

So imagine my surprise when, after finishing up my business, I spun around to face the world’s greatest boxer. Perched in the restroom attendant’s seat was ol’ Cassius Clay, there in the flesh!

Normally, I don’t like to bother celebrities. They’re people too, and deserve peace and quiet when they can get it. I tried my best to exit the lavatory without ruffling any feathers, but ‘The Greatest’ had different plans. He looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Would you care for a towel, sir?”

That just stopped me dead in my tracks. Now, I had heard Ali could be quite the cut-up, but this was hysterical! America’s most celebrated sportsman cornering me in the john and trying to dry my hands off–it was just too much.

I waved the towel away. “No thanks! What were planning on using that for, anyway? Mopping the floor with me in the ring?”

Mr. Ali held the towel back up to me and asked again, assuring me that it was complimentary. Thinking fast, I knocked the towel to the floor and assumed my best fisticuffs stance (I knew it was impossible to match his deadly wit, but I had to at least try to play along). Even that couldn’t get him to break. Those famous fists picked the towel up off the bathroom tiles and dropped it in a nearby wicker basket.

I chuckled and patted him on the back, “I’m surprised at you. You never were one to throw in the towel, Muhammad.”

“What?” he shrewdly retorted. Ali then pointed to the nametag pinned to his jacket. It read “Nelson.”

Oh wow, was he good. Not that his grace surprised me of course. Even as a septuagenarian, Ali possessed the manners of a much younger man. His smooth features betrayed no bruises or scars from past battles, and almost resembled the countenance of a thirty-year-old. Better luck next time, Father Time! No matter the challenge, Muhammad was simply unbeatable. It was just like his famous catchphrase, “Float like a butterfly, and sting like one too!”

By this point, it was clear that we had become close friends. I had to get a picture to show the folks back home, and I figured he wouldn’t mind. Excusing myself for a moment, I fished a disposable Kodak out of my fanny pack.

I grinned and snapped a selfie of the two of us, but then he blew me away with perhaps the wisest advice anyone’s ever shared with me: “No photographs are permitted in the restroom.” I knew exactly what he meant. Sometimes you have to break the rules to make the world a better place, just like Ali did when he refused to fight in Vietnam. I wiped away a tear and bade my hero good night.

As I made my way back to the casino lounge, my head was swimming. Would anybody ever believe my incredible story? I figured the bartender would be up for a good yarn, so I made my way over to him.

“What a night! How about we cap it off with another virgin daiquiri, my good man?”

“Oh, you wanted those virgin?” he repeated. “My mistake.”

RIP, Muhammad.

daiquiri

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A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend

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A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend, by Dan Fitzpatrick

Dear Danopticondiments,

We’ve all seen far too many of those corny missives addressed to loved one’s that either we haven’t met or don’t exist yet. Now it’s time to turn the script and write letters to individuals that we dread someday entering our lives.

Enjoy!

Perfect Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Love Crap with Random Words on Them

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You know what they say about mothers—everybody has one. Whether she squeezed you out of her insides or just snatched you from a daycare, she’ll always be Mom to you. And nothing makes her happier than some ordinary object with a single, unrelated word scrawled across its surface. We’re here to help you make Mother’s Day extra special by giving Mom something else she doesn’t need!

– 

‘Thanks’ Milk Jug

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What better way is there to show off your gratitude to dear old Mom than with this tasteful dairy arrangement? This milk may go bad after a couple weeks, but at least your maternal devotion will never expire! Also available in soy and almond milk for mothers who hate themselves.   $61.95

 

‘Whisper’ Tissue

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Remember those days when you could tell Mom anything, when it was the two of you against the world? We’ve recreated that precious age with the ‘Whisper’ Tissue. From the outside, it looks like an ordinary hanky, probably filled with mucus and miscellaneous bodily fluids, but within it houses a sweet, tender message. Another secret just for you and Mama!     $28.95

 

‘Hide’ Knife

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Oops, you really messed up this time. How did things with Janet go so wrong so fast? Mistakes are inevitable, but at least mom’s always there by your side. Commemorate your special bond with this lightly-used kitchen knife. Mom will treasure it forever, and hide it someplace safe where nobody will ever see it’s diamond-cut edge or luxurious no-slip grip again.     $45.99

 

‘There’ Dental Floss

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Flossing and relaxing—those are two things moms don’t do enough. Whenever mothers get overwhelmed, they like to close their eyes and imagine a special place, where everyone is happy and made more informed decisions about birth control during their teenage years. And when it comes to picturing this new age destination, the more vague the better. Help your mom go ‘there,’ with this intricately decorated floss case. It’s guaranteed to be a constant source of comfort as she stares hopelessly into her reflection in the mirror every morning and night.     $46.00

 

‘Lady’ Travel Mug

 mug 

Moms have lots of jobs: cook, cleaner, driver. I guess that’s about it. But once you peel back all those layers, you’ll notice that your mom is also a lady. Make sure everybody knows it with this fashionable travel mug, which combines on-the-go convenience with a sprinkle of feminine flair! Warning: do not microwave, or else it will literally melt her heart.     $24.50

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The Lonely Kid’s Guide to a Donald Trump-Themed Birthday

birthday

Jesus, look at you. It’s your tenth birthday party, and nobody even showed up. I remember when I turned ten. It was great! We all rode speedboats, and my dad got me twenty minutes with a high-end prostitute. But you, you’re just sad.

Who knows why your party blows? Maybe your parents are idiots, or you’re just a plain old loser. Luckily, it doesn’t have to be that way. With my party planning tips, you’ll never have to worry about being ignored on your birthday again.

1) Like any other investment, this party is gonna require some capital upfront. Simply ask your father for a small loan of one million dollars. This will allow you to cover all the expenses for the filet mignons, string quartet, and Prada goodie bags, while still having enough left over to give yourself a modest six-figure bonus.

 

2) I’ve never thrown a party without a piñata. It combines two of my favorite pastimes: beating animals with a stick, and watching poor people pick up food off the ground. To save a few bucks on your budget, just run into the party store and grab whichever piñata you like. Let the Mexicans pay for it.

 

3) Put flyers with my face all over town. Once you’ve attached the Donald to your party, turnout won’t be an issue. In fact, it will almost be like you’re having two parties at once. One will be with all your loyal, hard-working American friends, and the other will be filled with of jealous nincompoops who only showed up because they have nothing better to do. As long as each guest meets the three-gift minimum, let them all in.

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I’ve got a talent for bringing people together. I really do.

4) No matter how balls-to-the-wall awesome a party is going, it will reach a certain point where guests start to wonder, “Does the birthday boy have a big penis? I’m not sure I want to stay any longer if he doesn’t have a big penis.” To ease their minds, carry around a birthday candle while assuring guests that it’s actually a full-size candle. I’ll make your hands look yuuuuuge, everyone’ll know your schlong is worth sticking around for.

 

5) So the party went perfect, but now you’ve got to deal with the pain of the cleanup. Are those stains on the sofa from red wine or blood? Honestly, it’s not worth finding out. Save yourself the hassle by declaring bankruptcy on your home. It’s a totally legal business maneuver where you take your problems and throw them far, far away. When the other kids are blowing out their birthday candles in the months to come, they’ll all be wishing they could be as good of a dealmaker as you.

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Ted Cruz Tries to Spin His Sex Scandal

U.S. Senator Cruz speaks to members of the Texas Federation of Republican Women in San Antonio, Texas

Hello again, America. Although my mission to become the next Republican President is going peachy keen, I’m afraid I have some disturbing news to share with y’all. It happened last night, during my twenty minutes of allotted computer time. As you know, due to strict parental controls, there are only three websites available in the Cruz household: Fox News, Christian Mingle, and Neopets.com. However, I somehow stumbled upon a forbidden website, where people were writing the most terrible things. Worst of all were the claims that I cheated on my beautiful wife Heidi with five different women.

I have no doubt that these defamations have come from nowhere else than the mouth of Donald Trump. It was a tricky play, taking my largest strength—my sensuality—and using it against me. But no matter how much Donald fears that I will seduce all the women in his life, I feel it is time to come clean about this whole mess.

Of course, I do not have five mistresses. I do, however, have fifty mistresses. That’s right, I didn’t stutter. I said Ted Cruz has no fewer than half a hundred paramours, all of whom he makes sweet, sticky love to on a daily basis.

What are the dirty details, you ask? Well, we usually rendezvous in this little place you might have heard of, called the United States of America. Sometimes I meet up with Montana up North and do it under the stars. I’m known to enthrall Maryland with my rocket’s red glare. And let’s not forget how much Mississippi digs those whips and chains.

I-da-ho? No sir, I-da-passionate-lover. Heidi doesn’t mind either; oftentimes she even joins in the fun! You see, America has been my booty call all along. I’ve done them all. Except for Washington, which was named after a dude. Gross.

So as American voters continue to flock to the polls, please do not think of me as a cheap floozy or moralistic hypocrite. Most of all, please do not talk to Carol at the El Paso PetSmart. We two have never met, and she never knows when to keep her big mouth shut.

Instead, ask any of the states about me, and they will tell you about my gentle, caring touch. Just let me have the Oval Office. It won’t hurt, I promise. At this crucial juncture, our country needs a leader who can deliver a gratifying smack both to a set of buttocks and to the illegals crossing our southern border. A leader trained in the art of the lover’s caress as well as the art of job creation. A leader who will not try to take away your guns, but may try to give you a little smooch with the world’s smallest set of lips.

That leader is me. As soon as I’m elected, you’ll already be begging me for a second term. They always do.

I’m Ted Cruz, and I’m coming soon to a bedroom near you.

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A Sneak Peak at 2016’s Hottest New Broadway Shows

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Anthropophobia

This is guaranteed to be the show that none of your friends will be able to get tickets for—because nobody is allowed to see it. With music, lyrics, and book by a crotchety old hermit known only as Greasy Steve, Anthropophobia is the hottest recluse since Bobby Fischer. Best of all, since no one knows what it is about, Anthropophobia is age appropriate for the whole family. Just try not to get too close to the theater, or Steve will pelt you with glass shards.

 

Tubthumping

A unique twist on the popular jukebox musical format, Tubthumping celebrates the inspired sound of Chumbawamba by performing their one hit over and over again. You’ll hear the title song so many times: sped up, slowed down, and even a reggae version!

And did we mention that the musical is for some reason set during The Great Depression?

 

Harrison

Taking a cue from critical and commercial smash Hamilton, this musical tells the story of U.S. President William Henry Harrison. Its revolutionary shortened format reflects the life of Old Tippecanoe, a poorly remembered leader who died after barely a month in office. According to early reviews, Harrison is so fantastic, that few will even mind shelling out hundreds of dollars to see show that lasts for sixteen minutes.

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