Monthly Archives: June 2014

6 Real Sex Tips You Can Use to Spice Up Your Bathroom Trip

You may already be the king or queen of the bedroom, but do you reign supreme in the most important room of the house? Nobody wants to fall into a rut, especially when that rut is your toilet bowl. But never fear, since you can apply many of the same sex secrets to your bathroom to provide a supernatural reply to the call of nature.

This is how much fun you could be having!

This is how much fun you could be having!

The following are all actual romance tips from the internet, reappropriated for our purposes:

 

1. “Try it in the shower”: One of those classic tips that many of you have been following for years. Though based on your specific bathroom needs, you may want to remove the grate from the drain first.

2. “Take some pictures”: A picture is worth a thousand words. The next time somebody asks you, “What took you so long in there,” just flash some photographic evidence, and they’ll quit nagging. Also a great way to settle bets.

3. “Role-play”: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go to the bathroom as a French maid, or maybe a medieval dungeon master? Because it’s probably exactly the same. While not the most exciting option, it will at least hold up the old adage, “Everybody poops.”

4. “Keep Your Clothes On”: Having never relieved myself without getting completely undressed beforehand, I can see how this would save a lot of time.

5. “Have a Seafood Feast”: Shellfish and sea creatures are rumored aphrodisiacs, but they’re also great for stimulating a bowel movement. Try eating them raw and rotten for an extra burst of excitement!

6. “Bring a new partner into the mix”: Invite your pal John to the john! Nothing better than a little company and some help wiping. After all, Elvis Presley died while he was in the bathroom–alone. Are you willing to have the blood of the King on your hands, or just his stool?

"Thank you very much!"

“Thank you very much!”

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10 Mind-Blowing Effects of Global Warming You May Not Have Considered

Global-Warming

Global warming–the topic that few people know about, but everyone is an expert on. Aside from all the chatter on the news, however, there are some huge consequences that nobody is even bothering to mention. Here are ten ways the world as we know it may change forever:

  • Higher temperatures will make hot pants the only tolerable clothing option for men, women, and children across the world.
  • Continued deforestation may clear out enough space to put in that pool you’ve always talked about.
  • The scented candle industry will make millions more as people try to offset the pervasive stench of body odor.
  • Apocalyptic climate shifts may result in a Waterworld-style scenario, giving Academy Award winner Kevin Costner one last shot at redemption.
  • Something will probably happen to the polar bears, but I don’t really care. What did they ever do for me?
  • Rising sea levels worldwide may ruin my hopes of ever finding Atlantis, and I’ll never be able to fulfill my grandfather’s dying wish.
  • In a climate where human beings struggle to survive, bringing up the weather in conversation will not longer seem boring or trivial.
  • People across the world will mysteriously “forget” to invite their outspoken activist neighbors to their coal-fueled outdoor barbecues.
  • That candy bar in your pocket is going to melt.
  • If global warming kills Planet Earth, then we won’t have to argue about whether or not it exists anymore.
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