Monthly Archives: December 2013

The Top 10 Jennifer Lawrences of 2013

2013 was truly the year of Jennifer Lawrence, America’s sweetheart. But which Jennifer Lawrence was the best Jennifer Lawrence? Was it Jennifer Lawrence? Read on to find out.

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10. Jennifer Lawrence, CA

Jennifer (pictured right) is among the top 8 dental hygienists in the Bay Area! But she also came in second-to-last place in a recent 5k run/walk. Try harder next time, Jennifer.

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9. Jennifer Lawrence, WA

Born and raised in China, she now runs one of the best dry cleaning services in Tacoma, but does she really expect us to believe that “Jennifer Lawrence” is her real name? She can’t even pronounce it correctly. You get an A for effort, but nobody likes a poser, Jennifer.

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8. Jennifer Hope Lawrence, MA

Back in 1654, Jennifer Lawrence was the hottest thing in Massachusetts Bay Colony, at least until she died from childbirth at age 18. She’s taken some time off to be dead for the past few hundred years, but rumors of a comeback have been circulating throughout the Puritan gossip tabloids.

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7. Pope Francis, Vatican City

This Argentinean dreamboat revolutionized the papacy in 2013 with a progressive attitude and strong interfaith dialogue. Unfortunately, his blatant misspelling of “Jennifer Lawrence”–his own chosen name!–keeps him from rising higher on this list.

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6. Jennifer Lawrence, IN

Unanimously voted the world’s coolest mom by the 4th grade class at Benjamin Harrison Grammar School, Jennifer Lawrence promotes loose bedtimes, keeps a cooler of Capri Sun in the back of her minivan, and has a pool and hottub in her already hella-cool backyard.

5. Jenn Lawrence, ON

One of the few real people on this list, Jenn Lawrence is a graphic designer from Toronto that I found on the Internet! She’s pretty good, despite not even using her full legal name, Jennifer Lawrence. She has her own website, but you didn’t hear it from me…

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4. Jennifer Lawrence, KY

This up-and-coming actress starred in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and American Hustle this past year. She  topped AskMen’s Top 99 Most Desirable Women of the Year and recently won an Oscar for her role in Silver Linings Playbook, launching her into this elite circle of Jennifer Lawrences.

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3. Frank DiPaolo in a wig, AKA Jennifer Lawrence, DE

When the sun sets and the streetlights come on, this 44-year-old roofing contractor takes Wilmington by storm. Although he models himself after the previous entrant in this list, he easily has twice her talent and charm.

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2. Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Pam Buchholz, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, and Jennifer Lawrence, MI

Imagine, an entire U14 soccer team where all the players are named Jennifer Lawrence! Those girls must have some spunk. Except for that lazy skank Pam Buccolhz, who can’t even make a decent pass downfield without tripping herself.

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1. Jennifer Lawrence, CO

Meet the future Empress of the Universe, people of Earth. Take some time to admire her already developing leadership prowess and charisma while your neural sensors are still set to free will and humanity is free from grueling labor in the zorgonite mines. I’m actually looking forward to when this little darling publicly disembowels me for political insurgency. Cheers, Jennifer.

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7 Ways to Tell If Your Crush Is Girlfriend Material

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Be spontaneous. Girls love it when guys take the time to do something unexpected, which may be a good way to disguise your Tourette’s Syndrome.

Get her attention. In a public setting, like the mall or a church pancake breakfast, shout, “Hey sugar-tits!” from across the room. If she turns around to look at you, it’s clear that you’re on her mind. If she doesn’t respond, then she is probably too stuck up and immature to be in an adult relationship.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. She may not be supermodel skinny or have the usual number of fingers, but that doesn’t mean you should write her off. Instead, measure her worth by the size of her dowry. Get to know her father, and take meticulous notes on the amount of farmland and cattle he is willing to give you. If you play your cards right, someday you may even own enough property to vote.

See how she responds under pressure. Every relationship hits some rough waters after some smooth sailing, and oftentimes your nautical metaphors will not be enough to distract your significant other from the major issue at hand. It’s best to test our your woman’s problem solving ability before you get into a real pickle. Try calling her from a payphone and say that there’s a bomb in her house. If she starts freaking out, that’s a whole ball of crazy you do not want to get involved with.

Make sure she’s a girl. Don’t be shy when you begin spending time together. Go ahead, take a peek!

Keep your promises. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. For example, if you start writing a list that’s supposed to have seven items, then there damn well better be seven things there! You said there would be seven right in the title, and she will expect you to provide all seven, even if one of them is totally irrelevant to the theme of the larger piece and inserted before the end of the list to disguise the fact that it was written at the last minute.

Ask your other girlfriends. You wouldn’t call a plumber to treat your irritable bowel syndrome, would you? No way, Jose (that’s the name of my plumber). You would ask the experts! Your other girlfriends will know exactly what to look for and what steps to take in the dance of love. In the end, they may deem her acceptable and embrace their new sister-wife in your isolated Texas compound.

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All of this could be yours.

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Change New England’s Team Name from “Patriots” to “Clam Chowder”

Change New England’s Team Name from “Patriots” to “Clam Chowder”

Activists of the internet, assemble! I need your help to support this important cause. Please sign my petition on change.org through the attached link. Here’s the message behind our crusade:

These days, we hear a lot of talk about inappropriate NFL team names. The Washington Redskins are the focal point of this controversy, with “redskin” being a pejorative term for a Native American person. Many people argue that it should be changed to a less derogative moniker. In all likelihood, this change would result in a shift from a potentially offensive name to an average, satisfactory one. It could certainly be a victory. But is it the biggest victory we can attain?

If you’re like me, then you think that great is better than good. That’s why we need to focus on turning an average NFL team name into a legendary one. For this purpose, I’ve determined that the Patriots should change their name to “Clam Chowder,” thus fulfilling their destiny as the epic football organization of the New England Clam Chowder.

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not even a New England fan–but I could be. I could be if Tom Brady started throwing fourth quarter touchdown passes in a uniform featuring three different shades of off-white. I could be if Gillette Stadium replaced their fireworks with clouds of oyster crackers after each big win. I could be if the New England cheerleaders ran out onto the field every Sunday slathered in a delicious cream-based broth from head to toe.

For anyone worth their salt, New England Clam Chowder is in the top four soups. Chowder wins the hearts and minds of the people. Patriots waste perfectly good tea and stand in a straight line waiting to get shot. It’s not even a hard choice.

Do the right thing. Do it for the chowder.

Thanks for your help!

 

clam chowder

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How to Make Your Own Cup O Noodles

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Winter weather is upon us, and hungry college students everywhere are tramping out to the nearest dining hall or corner store for meager provisions. But why go through all that trouble when you can make a classic Cup O Noodles from scratch in the comfort of your own home?

You’ll need:

  • a bag of rubber bands
  • pencils
  • your bed
  • a portable space heater
  • a copy of Argo, Best Picture winner at the 85th Academy Awards
  • dust
  • an old shoe

Here’s what you have to do:

  1. You can’t have Cup O Noodles without noodles! Simply cut each of your rubber bands with a pair of dirty scissors, and put them to the side for later. (Note: If you’re looking for a more “al-dente” version, you can use those twisty things from the supermarket.)
  2. The salty broth is the heart of the dish, and the secret behind it is that it’s pure human sweat. Get into your bed, turn on a space heater under the sheets, and pop in Argo, 2012’s pulse-pounding historical thriller that had critics and audiences raving! 120 minutes later, wring out your sweaty sheets into an old shoe.
  3. Grab all your old pencils and tear the erasers off. These will be your “vegetables.” Feel free to give them some natural coloring with a fluorescent marker.
  4. Add your noodles and vegetables to the sweat-filled shoe, and then you’re ready to bring the heat! To really bring the flavors out, I like to cook it slow over a rusty radiator for half an hour. Stir every seven minutes with your finger.
  5. As the soup boils, scoop up all the dust on the floor and sprinkle it over the hot shoe. Season to taste.

You’re all ready to go! You’ll be surprised how much it looks and tastes like the real thing. Like, really surprised.

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The Sensible Snowman

“In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend he is Parson Brown.
He’ll say, ‘Are you married?’
We’ll say, ‘No man!’
But you can do the job
When you’re in town!”

“No I can’t! I’m a snowman. That marriage would have no legitimacy anywhere!”

“Oh. I guess we’ll just go home then.”

“Put on some gloves!”

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