The Top 10 Jennifer Lawrences of 2013

2013 was truly the year of Jennifer Lawrence, America’s sweetheart. But which Jennifer Lawrence was the best Jennifer Lawrence? Was it Jennifer Lawrence? Read on to find out.

10. Jennifer Lawrence, CA

Jennifer (pictured right) is among the top 8 dental hygienists in the Bay Area! But she also came in second-to-last place in a recent 5k run/walk. Try harder next time, Jennifer.

9. Jennifer Lawrence, WA

Born and raised in China, she now runs one of the best dry cleaning services in Tacoma, but does she really expect us to believe that “Jennifer Lawrence” is her real name? She can’t even pronounce it correctly. You get an A for effort, but nobody likes a poser, Jennifer.

8. Jennifer Hope Lawrence, MA

Back in 1654, Jennifer Lawrence was the hottest thing in Massachusetts Bay Colony, at least until she died from childbirth at age 18. She’s taken some time off to be dead for the past few hundred years, but rumors of a comeback have been circulating throughout the Puritan gossip tabloids.

7. Pope Francis, Vatican City

This Argentinean dreamboat revolutionized the papacy in 2013 with a progressive attitude and strong interfaith dialogue. Unfortunately, his blatant misspelling of “Jennifer Lawrence”–his own chosen name!–keeps him from rising higher on this list.

6. Jennifer Lawrence, IN

Unanimously voted the world’s coolest mom by the 4th grade class at Benjamin Harrison Grammar School, Jennifer Lawrence promotes loose bedtimes, keeps a cooler of Capri Sun in the back of her minivan, and has a pool and hottub in her already hella-cool backyard.

5. Jenn Lawrence, ON

One of the few real people on this list, Jenn Lawrence is a graphic designer from Toronto that I found on the Internet! She’s pretty good, despite not even using her full legal name, Jennifer Lawrence. She has her own website, but you didn’t hear it from me…

4. Jennifer Lawrence, KY

This up-and-coming actress starred in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and American Hustle this past year. She  topped AskMen’s Top 99 Most Desirable Women of the Year and recently won an Oscar for her role in Silver Linings Playbook, launching her into this elite circle of Jennifer Lawrences.

3. Frank DiPaolo in a wig, AKA Jennifer Lawrence, DE

When the sun sets and the streetlights come on, this 44-year-old roofing contractor takes Wilmington by storm. Although he models himself after the previous entrant in this list, he easily has twice her talent and charm.

2. Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Pam Buchholz, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, and Jennifer Lawrence, MI

Imagine, an entire U14 soccer team where all the players are named Jennifer Lawrence! Those girls must have some spunk. Except for that lazy skank Pam Buccolhz, who can’t even make a decent pass downfield without tripping herself.

1. Jennifer Lawrence, CO

Meet the future Empress of the Universe, people of Earth. Take some time to admire her already developing leadership prowess and charisma while your neural sensors are still set to free will and humanity is free from grueling labor in the zorgonite mines. I’m actually looking forward to when this little darling publicly disembowels me for political insurgency. Cheers, Jennifer.


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