Category Archives: Movies

Donald Trump Tweets Reviews of Classic Christmas Movies

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‘Tis the season for unreason! For better or worse, our new President-Elect is not shy about sharing his opinions on Twitter, whether he’s bashing Alec Baldwin’s “sad” impression on SNL or recommending that flag-burners should go to jail. That’s all good and well, but what we Americans are really looking for are some solid recommendations for Christmas flicks. After all, this is very likely the last Christmas ever.

Accordingly, we at The Danopticon dug into the Trump Twitter vault to scrounge up some previously unpublished movie reviews. Will Trump fire your holiday favorite, or will he declare it to be the very best? Take a look:

It’s a Wonderful Life

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A Christmas Story

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Christmas Vacation

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The Santa Clause

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How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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Frosty the Snowman

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Thanks for reading, and have a bigly merry Christmas!

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More MS Paint Effects from Star Wars: The Force Awakens (SPOILERS)

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As we learned from an exclusive story a few weeks ago, all of the special effects in the highly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens are generated through Microsoft Paint, and archaic art program most popular in the late 1990s. Director JJ Abrams has released another batch of new screenshots from the movie guaranteed to get you more amped up than the Death Star laser.

However, readers BEWARE, for some of these images contain spoilers from the upcoming film.

Save a slice for me, Kylo!

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Baddie jedi Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) prepares to slice the Space Pizza, an intergalactic treat that serves as the main plot device of the new trilogy. “In the original Star Wars, everybody loves that cantina scene with all the crazy aliens jammed together,” explained Abrams. “We consulted [Star Wars creator] George Lucas to figure out how to capture that same sense of chaotic fun for our movie, and he said to us, ‘How about a pizza?'”

Heroes back in action

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Fans young and old can rejoice that Star Wars favorites Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) are back in their legendary Millennium Falcon! According to co-writer Lawrence Kasdan, Han and his Wookie pal are now the leaders of The Cloud Hat Gang, a retired group of smugglers dedicated to preventing spooky alien invasions. Speaking on the inspiration behind their new headgear, Kasdan said, “You know, we originally had a sci-fi western design in place so they could be these cool space cowboys. But then we did that thing in Paint where you scribble all over the page and fill in the chunks with different colors, and it was clear to everyone in the room that we had our Cloud Hat.”

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

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Abrams and his team have even given an updated look to Star Wars’ iconic opening crawl. “It’s pretty crazy that the title sequence in [Episode IV] A New Hope was all done by hand with miniature models,” marvels Abrams. “We just did ours in Microsoft Paint. It was so easy!”

Stay tuned for more breaking Star Wars news in the future.

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JJ Abrams: All Special Effects in ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Done in MS Paint

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In a week that has already been chock-full of juicy tidbits about the upcoming ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens,’ director JJ Abrams just dropped another bomb on us, this time regarding the film’s special effects: they have all been designed with Microsoft Paint.

“I felt the overuse of CGI took a lot away from the prequel trilogy,” explained Abrams. “But we have recaptured and reinvented the tangible authenticity of the original films using MS Paint. And I think the results may surprise you.”

Let’s take a look at some exclusive new images below:

 

Trouble on Tatooine

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Above: Happy ever after? Heroes Finn (John Boyega) and Rey (Daisy Ridley) flee a deadly TIE Fighter attack. Fans of ‘Return of the Jedi’ will be overjoyed to see Mr. Flipper, a mischievous Ewok, joining them on their adventures. Abrams revealed, “Given that this film takes place in a new era of Star Wars history, we were looking for a slightly different look. In the end, no technique brought our world to life more than Paint, a simple art program most popular in the 1990s.”

Prepare for Take-Off!

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Above: Ace pilot Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) prepares for battle along with the rest of his mighty fleet. As always, his sidekick Girl Yoda is ready to fly off and kick some Sith butt. Abrams’ special effects team put in over 300 hours into designing Girl Yoda’s dress and bow, so viewers new and old alike could clearly tell that she was just like the original Yoda, except also a girl.

Never Tell Me the Odds!

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Above: With a ruined Star Destroyed in the background, new character Jeeku the Hutt runs for his life from an AT-ST and a UFO. Abrams commented, “Traditionally in the Star Wars canon, the Hutts are a race of giant, slug-like gangsters. But in our initial Paint design of Jeeku, he came out looking more like a centaur, so we just decided to roll with that.”

How excited are you for the new Star Wars special effects? Let us know in the comment section below!

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007 Borrows My Magic Bullet

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**MI6 Superspy James Bond strolls into my house, grabs my Magic Bullet**

Me: Uh, James?

Bond: So this is Q-Branch’s latest contraption, eh?

Me: That’s just my Magic Bullet.

Bond: A Magic Bullet to stop the Koreans? Seems like a long shot.

Me: Well, I mean, it’s basically just a mini blender.

Bond: Does it have an ejector seat?

Me: It can make salsa in like, four seconds.

Bond: Hmm. Should help me blend in.

Me: You’re not taking that with you, right?

Bond: I think I’ll give it a whirl.

Me: Please don’t break it.

Bond: I’ll use it for everything from purée to Z.

Me: You’re deflecting with puns.

Bond: Maybe I’m rough around the edges, but deep down I’m a smoothie.

Me: What?

**A belly-dancer assassin leaps out of the shadows. Bond smashes my Magic Bullet over her head**

Bond: I’m afraid you and I never did mix, Margarita.

Me: Her name-tag says, “Catherine.”

Bond: They need me back in London.

Me: You can’t just leave!

Bond: I have a mandatory sexual harassment workshop.

Me: How’d you get involved in that?

Bond: Let’s just say it lawsuits me.

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The Top 10 Jennifer Lawrences of 2013

2013 was truly the year of Jennifer Lawrence, America’s sweetheart. But which Jennifer Lawrence was the best Jennifer Lawrence? Was it Jennifer Lawrence? Read on to find out.

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10. Jennifer Lawrence, CA

Jennifer (pictured right) is among the top 8 dental hygienists in the Bay Area! But she also came in second-to-last place in a recent 5k run/walk. Try harder next time, Jennifer.

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9. Jennifer Lawrence, WA

Born and raised in China, she now runs one of the best dry cleaning services in Tacoma, but does she really expect us to believe that “Jennifer Lawrence” is her real name? She can’t even pronounce it correctly. You get an A for effort, but nobody likes a poser, Jennifer.

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8. Jennifer Hope Lawrence, MA

Back in 1654, Jennifer Lawrence was the hottest thing in Massachusetts Bay Colony, at least until she died from childbirth at age 18. She’s taken some time off to be dead for the past few hundred years, but rumors of a comeback have been circulating throughout the Puritan gossip tabloids.

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7. Pope Francis, Vatican City

This Argentinean dreamboat revolutionized the papacy in 2013 with a progressive attitude and strong interfaith dialogue. Unfortunately, his blatant misspelling of “Jennifer Lawrence”–his own chosen name!–keeps him from rising higher on this list.

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6. Jennifer Lawrence, IN

Unanimously voted the world’s coolest mom by the 4th grade class at Benjamin Harrison Grammar School, Jennifer Lawrence promotes loose bedtimes, keeps a cooler of Capri Sun in the back of her minivan, and has a pool and hottub in her already hella-cool backyard.

5. Jenn Lawrence, ON

One of the few real people on this list, Jenn Lawrence is a graphic designer from Toronto that I found on the Internet! She’s pretty good, despite not even using her full legal name, Jennifer Lawrence. She has her own website, but you didn’t hear it from me…

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4. Jennifer Lawrence, KY

This up-and-coming actress starred in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and American Hustle this past year. She  topped AskMen’s Top 99 Most Desirable Women of the Year and recently won an Oscar for her role in Silver Linings Playbook, launching her into this elite circle of Jennifer Lawrences.

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3. Frank DiPaolo in a wig, AKA Jennifer Lawrence, DE

When the sun sets and the streetlights come on, this 44-year-old roofing contractor takes Wilmington by storm. Although he models himself after the previous entrant in this list, he easily has twice her talent and charm.

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2. Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Pam Buchholz, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, and Jennifer Lawrence, MI

Imagine, an entire U14 soccer team where all the players are named Jennifer Lawrence! Those girls must have some spunk. Except for that lazy skank Pam Buccolhz, who can’t even make a decent pass downfield without tripping herself.

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1. Jennifer Lawrence, CO

Meet the future Empress of the Universe, people of Earth. Take some time to admire her already developing leadership prowess and charisma while your neural sensors are still set to free will and humanity is free from grueling labor in the zorgonite mines. I’m actually looking forward to when this little darling publicly disembowels me for political insurgency. Cheers, Jennifer.

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The Best Possible National Treasure 3 Plotlines

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On the Fourth of July, we Americans take the time to celebrate things that mean a lot to us, like barbecues and colorful explosions. But there is more to our country than just the present. We have such a rich tradition of heroes and history-makers to honor on this day, but none of them come close to America’s greatest patriot, Benjamin Franklin Gates, protagonist of the National Treasure film series. So let’s unleash Ben from his (Nicolas) cage and review the most likely plotlines for National Treasure 3. It’s all I can do for the greatest country in the world.

 

National Treasure 3: Death Marks the Spot

While visiting a Chinese restaurant, Benjamin Gates mistakes a fortune cookie message for an encrypted Templar clue. Not being able to differentiate between different Asian cultures, he decides that the next cache of treasure must be in Japan, marked by a giant X in the ground. The X, however, is only visible under extreme amounts of radiation, because of science. So to recover his new fortune, Gates must do the impossible—hijack atomic weaponry and reenact the 1945 bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Adventure awaits!

 

National Treasure 3: The Hidden Star

While studying a 5th grade history textbook in the Gates family library, Benjamin accidentally counts 51 stars on the American flag. He deduces that the extra star must pertain to the hidden state of East Carolina, the last remaining stronghold of the Confederacy and the greatest threat to his country’s freedom. Gates sets out to re-conquer this lost territory, boldly wandering out into the ocean at the border of North and South Carolina. After an hour and a half, he finds nothing and has to be saved by the Coast Guard.

 

National Treasure 3: Mormon-y, Mo Problems

Soon after he and Dr. Abigail Chase buy a set of china from Crate and Barrel, Gates realizes that his new dishes are none other than the lost golden plates of Mormon leader Joseph Smith. These treasures could hold secrets to the earliest civilizations of the United States, but to obtain them, Gates will have to raid the home of the world’s most dangerous man: himself. Did we mention that his house is made of mirrors and that he is afraid of his own reflection? Yeah, things are gonna get dangerous.

 

National Treasure 3: The Jaws of Victory

After smelling too many markers at the Sharpie factory, Gates has a mystic vision that there is a historic treasure buried in the sandbox of his community playground: George Washington’s wooden teeth. The next two hours of the film features a very sweaty Nicolas Cage stripping down to his underpants and digging up the entire sandbox with his bare hands. In the end, he finds nothing but a plastic toy tractor, but realizes that the teeth were more of a metaphor for the perseverance of American courage, or something like that.

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The White Protagonist of Every Racially Themed Sports Movie

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  • “I’ll tell ya, Jerry—the 1960s—what a time to be alive! I’m young, white, handsome, and the star of my team. We’re gonna have a big season this year. Our traditional, All-American town is counting on us.”
  • “What!? Look here, Coach, I ain’t playing with no (Negroes/Chinamen/Swiss)! They don’t belong with us white folk. They’re too (violent/dishonest/unwilling to share the secrets behind their luscious chocolates).”
  •  “You don’t like me? Yeah, well I don’t like you either, Willie!”
  • “Coach, I’ve been thinking about that speech you gave. Maybe you’re right. Maybe all we need to do is work together, and our differences won’t matter.”
  • “Yeah, I think you’re a pretty good player too, Willie. I have a feeling that our athletic experiences are about to intersect with larger social developments in a meaningful way.”
  • “ Hot dog, We can’t lose!”
  •  “Listen up, Mr. Restaurant Manager, you will not stop my racially diverse friends from using your restroom. It’s not about the color of your skin, because we’re all the same on the inside. And how do I know that? Because in that bathroom, the stuff that comes out from our insides is all the same colors, and that means something.”
  • “I think we have brought the entire community together just in time for the big game.”
  • “I…I don’t know how to say this to you fellas, but I can’t play in the championships tomorrow. The doctor says I’m paralyzed from the scalp up.”
  • “You’re right, wise black groundskeeper. I’ve come too far to let my team down. You can go back to mowing the grass now.”
  • “That was a rough first half, guys. Just remember—friendship first, and winning second.”
  • “Willie, you just made an improbable play, and we won! Racism is dead.”
  • “I’m an old man now, and the past fifty years of my life are presumably unimportant. But boy oh boy, was that championship season something. It was so great that I’ve apparently accomplished nothing ever since.”
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