The Best Possible National Treasure 3 Plotlines

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On the Fourth of July, we Americans take the time to celebrate things that mean a lot to us, like barbecues and colorful explosions. But there is more to our country than just the present. We have such a rich tradition of heroes and history-makers to honor on this day, but none of them come close to America’s greatest patriot, Benjamin Franklin Gates, protagonist of the National Treasure film series. So let’s unleash Ben from his (Nicolas) cage and review the most likely plotlines for National Treasure 3. It’s all I can do for the greatest country in the world.

 

National Treasure 3: Death Marks the Spot

While visiting a Chinese restaurant, Benjamin Gates mistakes a fortune cookie message for an encrypted Templar clue. Not being able to differentiate between different Asian cultures, he decides that the next cache of treasure must be in Japan, marked by a giant X in the ground. The X, however, is only visible under extreme amounts of radiation, because of science. So to recover his new fortune, Gates must do the impossible—hijack atomic weaponry and reenact the 1945 bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Adventure awaits!

 

National Treasure 3: The Hidden Star

While studying a 5th grade history textbook in the Gates family library, Benjamin accidentally counts 51 stars on the American flag. He deduces that the extra star must pertain to the hidden state of East Carolina, the last remaining stronghold of the Confederacy and the greatest threat to his country’s freedom. Gates sets out to re-conquer this lost territory, boldly wandering out into the ocean at the border of North and South Carolina. After an hour and a half, he finds nothing and has to be saved by the Coast Guard.

 

National Treasure 3: Mormon-y, Mo Problems

Soon after he and Dr. Abigail Chase buy a set of china from Crate and Barrel, Gates realizes that his new dishes are none other than the lost golden plates of Mormon leader Joseph Smith. These treasures could hold secrets to the earliest civilizations of the United States, but to obtain them, Gates will have to raid the home of the world’s most dangerous man: himself. Did we mention that his house is made of mirrors and that he is afraid of his own reflection? Yeah, things are gonna get dangerous.

 

National Treasure 3: The Jaws of Victory

After smelling too many markers at the Sharpie factory, Gates has a mystic vision that there is a historic treasure buried in the sandbox of his community playground: George Washington’s wooden teeth. The next two hours of the film features a very sweaty Nicolas Cage stripping down to his underpants and digging up the entire sandbox with his bare hands. In the end, he finds nothing but a plastic toy tractor, but realizes that the teeth were more of a metaphor for the perseverance of American courage, or something like that.

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