Monthly Archives: August 2012

Learning Good, With Jesus!: The Cafeteria

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By Dan Fitzpatrick

Learning Good, with Jesus!” is a recurring feature examining the author’s extensive (K-12) Catholic education. Each post focuses on a single aspect of the greater experience and is based off of general impressions rather than specific occurrences. The purpose of this writing is not to criticize, but to entertain, so please be forgiving toward potentially offensive material. After all, it is the Christian thing to do.

The Cafeteria

While fasting may be the express lane to holiness, even the most pious schoolchildren need corporal sustenance every now and then. Indoctrination sure works up an appetite. That is where the cafeteria comes in—giving the wee martyrs-to-be a chance to feed without falling prey to the temptation of gluttony.

The main focus in the Catholic school cafeteria is the prayer, something valued far more than the meal itself. In fact, no eating may commence until the students recite the full verse of “Bless Us O Lord,” unless an individual wants to receive multiple detentions for such a blatant display of disrespect. Additionally, the lunchroom Inquisitor General, often an older woman reeking of formaldehyde and peppermints, will not start the prayer until the cafeteria is completely silent for an indefinite amount of time, perhaps a minute for every cat she owns.

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“The sun has set. You may now eat your tater tots.”

Following the prayer, the entire room turns its attention to a live telecast from the rooftops of the Vatican. Eventually a white plume of smoke will emerge from a chimney, signaling that, after considerable deliberation, the College of Cardinals has decided to begin the meal. The students then file up to the lunch counter to share in the bounty of the Lord’s harvest. The food arrives in meager portions of watery fruit drink and ground beef heart hamburgers—enough to keep you alive, but not enough to give you the strength to flee. Bon appetit, but stay in your seats.

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Above: The average lunch, divided among 5,000 students.

In the vileness of the cuisine, however, there lies a lesson. The comforts of gourmet cooking cannot make you a more moral person, and therefore can only lead you down the path of evil. Best not enjoy yourself at all; it is safer that way.

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You can’t get a body like that on the Krispy Kreme diet.

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Mr. Monk Gets a New Show

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By Dan Fitzpatrick

The world just has not been right since Adrian Monk left the shimmer of the small screen in 2009. Monk’s departure left a collective void in the hearts of millions, and his absence may even explain the ongoing recession at hand. Planet Earth desperately yearns for the return of everyone’s favorite obsessive, phobia-ridden detective, so why not insert him into an existing television program? Listed below are Monk’s top star vehicle prospects, each of which will be accompanied by a jaunty Randy Newman theme song.

The Walking Dead

A zombified Monk struggles with life in the post-apocalyptic universe, as his unquenchable appetite for human brains clashes with his fear of messy foods. Look for hilarious scenes of Adrian vacuuming up discarded body parts and sorting hordes of walkers according to size and state of decay.

Monday Night Football

Monk slowly overcomes the anxieties of public speaking and shoulder pads in his stint as a sideline commentator. He later turns professional football on its head when his meticulous studies of the official rulebook reveal that the only legal method of downing a player is through two-hand touch. Also, Jon Gruden forms an unlikely friendship with Monk, who later rescues the former coach when he is nearly eaten by a dance-crazed Warren Sapp.

House Hunters

Due to the asymmetry of the three presented houses, Monk refuses to place an offer on any of them, despite #2’s admittedly charming breakfast nook. Upon close inspections of the blueprints however, he discovers a secret connection among the houses—an intricate connection of tunnels used to shuttle a clandestine legion of prostitutes from home to home. Nice try, Suzanne Whang.

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

A stellar recommendation from the San Francisco Police Force somehow allows Monk to join the cast of a show that is both a cartoon and out of syndication on most basic cable packages. Mystery, Inc. hires the detective to solve the greatest riddle of all—is Velma actually a lesbian? Yeah, and she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and Tony Shalhoub.

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Oh, the things she would do for a Scooby Snack.

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