By Dan Fitzpatrick
The world just has not been right since Adrian Monk left the shimmer of the small screen in 2009. Monk’s departure left a collective void in the hearts of millions, and his absence may even explain the ongoing recession at hand. Planet Earth desperately yearns for the return of everyone’s favorite obsessive, phobia-ridden detective, so why not insert him into an existing television program? Listed below are Monk’s top star vehicle prospects, each of which will be accompanied by a jaunty Randy Newman theme song.
The Walking Dead
A zombified Monk struggles with life in the post-apocalyptic universe, as his unquenchable appetite for human brains clashes with his fear of messy foods. Look for hilarious scenes of Adrian vacuuming up discarded body parts and sorting hordes of walkers according to size and state of decay.
Monday Night Football
Monk slowly overcomes the anxieties of public speaking and shoulder pads in his stint as a sideline commentator. He later turns professional football on its head when his meticulous studies of the official rulebook reveal that the only legal method of downing a player is through two-hand touch. Also, Jon Gruden forms an unlikely friendship with Monk, who later rescues the former coach when he is nearly eaten by a dance-crazed Warren Sapp.
Due to the asymmetry of the three presented houses, Monk refuses to place an offer on any of them, despite #2’s admittedly charming breakfast nook. Upon close inspections of the blueprints however, he discovers a secret connection among the houses—an intricate connection of tunnels used to shuttle a clandestine legion of prostitutes from home to home. Nice try, Suzanne Whang.
Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?
A stellar recommendation from the San Francisco Police Force somehow allows Monk to join the cast of a show that is both a cartoon and out of syndication on most basic cable packages. Mystery, Inc. hires the detective to solve the greatest riddle of all—is Velma actually a lesbian? Yeah, and she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and Tony Shalhoub.
Oh, the things she would do for a Scooby Snack.