Monthly Archives: November 2015

Product Placement in Classic Literature

Amazon Hester

The Odyssey by Homer

The Cyclops clawed at its face in a mad rage.

‘My eyes, they burn and itch with the fury of Hades

What is the name of the villain who has stolen my Visine drops?’

Brave Odysseus shouted from his ship:

‘Nobody is my name. Nobody has stolen your Visine!”

 

 

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

A throng of women averted their gaze as the wicked Hester Prynne walked by, her frock emblazoned with a large ‘A’ to signify her submission to Amazon’s incredibly low prices.

 

 

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

‘I long yearned to gain the acceptance of man, but these hopes fell to pieces when I espied a selfie taken on my iPhone 6s. Each pixel displayed my hideous visage in such striking detail that I realized I would never know any normal life. I fled deep into the woods, yet even there I could not escape an impeccable mobile signal.’

 

 

The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway

The sharks tore away the rest of the fish. The old man hung his head low, for he had nothing left to eat. Then he found a Smuckers Uncrustable. It was good.

 

 

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

When pressed to explain the wondrous allure of a nymphet, I always compare her to a chilled can of Coors Light—not yet out of the fridge long enough to become warm, the thin aluminum squeezes between my fingers, its nubile tab popped open just far enough to let the sweet nectar flow into my soul.

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Did ‘Hey Arnold!’ Predict Deflategate?

HeyArnold_promotional_poster

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL-HEAD!

These are words ingrained into the mind of every child of the 90s. We know them, of course, from beloved Nickelodeon cartoon ‘Hey Arnold,” a popular show about kids growing up in the big city. But beneath its original, thoughtful humor, was ‘Hey Arnold’ pushing forward a secret message?

Is it possible, nearly twenty years in advance, that it predicted…

DEFLATEGATE???

-Deflate-Gate-0120-jpg

It sounds crazy, at least until we take a look at the season 1, episode 11b story entitled, “Cool Jerk.” Here, Arnold is thrilled when he befriends a cool, older guy, but his new buddy has some sinister plans for our good-natured hero. In addition to telling a great story, this episode is also a perfect allegory for the New England Patriots’ deliberate tampering of footballs during the 2014 NFL postseason. All the pieces are there.

arnold football

1. Arnold is a football!

The entire series goes out of its way to prove that Arnold is basically a football. Aside from his unique head shape, Arnold’s personality encompasses many of the core tenets of football. He is fun-loving, team-oriented, and all-American. Arnold, like a football, is harmless enough on his own, but when in the wrong hands, he is capable of unleashing a world of destruction.
Frankie_G.Tom Brady

2. Frankie G. is Tom Brady!

Frankie G. is a one-off character in “Cool Jerk” who bears an eerie resemblance to New England Quarterback Tom Brady. Like Brady, Frankie is popular, stylish, and a born leader, at least on the surface. Once confronted with something they desire, however, both men display a sick urge to do whatever it takes to win. He even tells Arnold, “Sometimes to be cool, you’ve got to bend the rules a little.”

Still not convinced? Get this: neither Frankie nor Brady was selected in the first five round of the NFL draft.

Feb 1, 2015; Glendale, AZ, USA; New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (12) celebrates after beating the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX at University of Phoenix Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports ORG XMIT: USATSI-185920 ORIG FILE ID: 20150201_pjc_se2_311.JPG

3. The store is the Superbowl!

Not long after Frankie takes Arnold under his wing, we soon learn Frankie’s true plan: for Arnold to rob an electronics store.  Granted, Frankie is not the first or last person to cheat his way to victory, but his methods for doing so are strangely familiar. You see, the store is only accessible through a distinctive football-shaped window, one which Frankie shoves Arnold through headfirst. In other words, Frankie’s plan for success revolves around unlawfully manipulating the size of a an ovular object.

Remind you of anyone?

Gerald's_Tonsils

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell answers a question during a news conference Friday, Feb. 3, 2012, in Indianapolis. The New England Patriots will face the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI on Feb. 5. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

4. Gerald is Roger Goodell!

Ultimately, none of the characters face any real consequences for their wrongdoings. In the middle of the would-be robbery, police sirens ring out through the streets. Frankie and his cronies (the Patriots) flee, leaving poor Arnold stuck in the window. However, the noise was nothing but Gerald, Arnold’s best pal, sporting a hand-cranked siren. Gerald forgives Arnold and takes him home, mirroring the weak leadership of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Both really only care about being perceived as the main influence on their beloved football, even while more corrupt forces determine the behavior of that football. Meanwhile, Frankie gets off scot-free, without any kind of jail-time, similar to Tom Brady’s evasion of a mere four-game suspension.

And here’s the freakiest part of all: “Cool Jerk” aired in 1996.

So there we have it–a veritable conspiracy. Who can say why or how this prediction happened? Perhaps Nickelodeon has some connections to the Illuminati. Maybe they were just the only ones who saw it coming. Regardless, you can witness the truth for yourself here.

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The Five S’s of Wine Tasting (for Douchebags)

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Wine tasting can be a daunting task. All those strange words, fancy cups, weird flavors—it’s too much! But fear not, for we broke down everything you need to know into five easy steps. You’ll be acting like you’re better than everyone else in no time, just like a real sommelier!

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~1. Snort

Wine tasting is a lot like a night of romance—you need to pick the right orifice. Even the greenest novice knows wine is all about the nostrils, so go ahead and inhale a healthy dose. If you get a nosebleed, all the better. Tis no greater honor than to publicly suffer for your passion.

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~2. Slurp

As the other guests begin sipping their wine, make it clear that you are enjoying it far more than anyone else. Emit a series of gasping, guttural noises to demonstrate that you are fully analyzing the wine. Don’t be afraid of a little tongue action in the glass either, especially if it’s a French vintage.

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~3. Showboat

This is the part where you loudly announce what kinds of flavors you taste in the wine. You can use any kind of bullshit comparisons you like, though I recommend pairing together a food and some object you might find outside. For example, you could say you were picking up notes of “black cherry and granite,” or “grapefruit and oak” or “Skittles and cement.”

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~4. Spit

Don’t be shy, this is a regular practice at most tastings. When other people at your table interrupt your lecture with their own vastly inferior opinions, hock a big loogie in their faces. It’s best to spew equal parts saliva and righteous indignation, but not the actual wine itself. After all, isn’t the whole point to get wasted?

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~5. Sit (by yourself)

At this point, everyone else has fled the table, embarrassed by their complete lack of knowledge. Bask in your genius, and feel free to finish up the wine dregs left in other people’s glasses.

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