Monthly Archives: May 2016

A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend

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A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend, by Dan Fitzpatrick

Dear Danopticondiments,

We’ve all seen far too many of those corny missives addressed to loved one’s that either we haven’t met or don’t exist yet. Now it’s time to turn the script and write letters to individuals that we dread someday entering our lives.

Enjoy!

Perfect Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Love Crap with Random Words on Them

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You know what they say about mothers—everybody has one. Whether she squeezed you out of her insides or just snatched you from a daycare, she’ll always be Mom to you. And nothing makes her happier than some ordinary object with a single, unrelated word scrawled across its surface. We’re here to help you make Mother’s Day extra special by giving Mom something else she doesn’t need!

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‘Thanks’ Milk Jug

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What better way is there to show off your gratitude to dear old Mom than with this tasteful dairy arrangement? This milk may go bad after a couple weeks, but at least your maternal devotion will never expire! Also available in soy and almond milk for mothers who hate themselves.   $61.95

 

‘Whisper’ Tissue

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Remember those days when you could tell Mom anything, when it was the two of you against the world? We’ve recreated that precious age with the ‘Whisper’ Tissue. From the outside, it looks like an ordinary hanky, probably filled with mucus and miscellaneous bodily fluids, but within it houses a sweet, tender message. Another secret just for you and Mama!     $28.95

 

‘Hide’ Knife

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Oops, you really messed up this time. How did things with Janet go so wrong so fast? Mistakes are inevitable, but at least mom’s always there by your side. Commemorate your special bond with this lightly-used kitchen knife. Mom will treasure it forever, and hide it someplace safe where nobody will ever see it’s diamond-cut edge or luxurious no-slip grip again.     $45.99

 

‘There’ Dental Floss

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Flossing and relaxing—those are two things moms don’t do enough. Whenever mothers get overwhelmed, they like to close their eyes and imagine a special place, where everyone is happy and made more informed decisions about birth control during their teenage years. And when it comes to picturing this new age destination, the more vague the better. Help your mom go ‘there,’ with this intricately decorated floss case. It’s guaranteed to be a constant source of comfort as she stares hopelessly into her reflection in the mirror every morning and night.     $46.00

 

‘Lady’ Travel Mug

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Moms have lots of jobs: cook, cleaner, driver. I guess that’s about it. But once you peel back all those layers, you’ll notice that your mom is also a lady. Make sure everybody knows it with this fashionable travel mug, which combines on-the-go convenience with a sprinkle of feminine flair! Warning: do not microwave, or else it will literally melt her heart.     $24.50

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The Lonely Kid’s Guide to a Donald Trump-Themed Birthday

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Jesus, look at you. It’s your tenth birthday party, and nobody even showed up. I remember when I turned ten. It was great! We all rode speedboats, and my dad got me twenty minutes with a high-end prostitute. But you, you’re just sad.

Who knows why your party blows? Maybe your parents are idiots, or you’re just a plain old loser. Luckily, it doesn’t have to be that way. With my party planning tips, you’ll never have to worry about being ignored on your birthday again.

1) Like any other investment, this party is gonna require some capital upfront. Simply ask your father for a small loan of one million dollars. This will allow you to cover all the expenses for the filet mignons, string quartet, and Prada goodie bags, while still having enough left over to give yourself a modest six-figure bonus.

 

2) I’ve never thrown a party without a piñata. It combines two of my favorite pastimes: beating animals with a stick, and watching poor people pick up food off the ground. To save a few bucks on your budget, just run into the party store and grab whichever piñata you like. Let the Mexicans pay for it.

 

3) Put flyers with my face all over town. Once you’ve attached the Donald to your party, turnout won’t be an issue. In fact, it will almost be like you’re having two parties at once. One will be with all your loyal, hard-working American friends, and the other will be filled with of jealous nincompoops who only showed up because they have nothing better to do. As long as each guest meets the three-gift minimum, let them all in.

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I’ve got a talent for bringing people together. I really do.

4) No matter how balls-to-the-wall awesome a party is going, it will reach a certain point where guests start to wonder, “Does the birthday boy have a big penis? I’m not sure I want to stay any longer if he doesn’t have a big penis.” To ease their minds, carry around a birthday candle while assuring guests that it’s actually a full-size candle. I’ll make your hands look yuuuuuge, everyone’ll know your schlong is worth sticking around for.

 

5) So the party went perfect, but now you’ve got to deal with the pain of the cleanup. Are those stains on the sofa from red wine or blood? Honestly, it’s not worth finding out. Save yourself the hassle by declaring bankruptcy on your home. It’s a totally legal business maneuver where you take your problems and throw them far, far away. When the other kids are blowing out their birthday candles in the months to come, they’ll all be wishing they could be as good of a dealmaker as you.

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