Monthly Archives: January 2016

Ammon Bundy’s Super Awesome Tips for the Best Sleepover Ever

Bundy sleeping bag

Hi, I’m Ammon. You’ve probably heard about me, on account of me and my friends throwing the coolest sleepover of all time. Jealous, buttface? Well don’t sweat it, because you too can be a radical dude who doesn’t answer to anyone—especially parents.

  • Instead of using a crummy old basement, make a sweet fort! Simply drape a blanket across some couch cushions, or take over a federal building in Oregon.
  • As long as you’ve still got your cowboy hat on, you can change into your footsie pajamas and not get called a little baby.
  • Once it’s dark out, pass around a photo of a pretty lady in a bathing suit. Talk about how much action you’d get if the government wasn’t always in the way.
  • Everybody gets a little bit homesick sometimes, so it’s okay to sleep holding a teddy bear or assault rifle.
  • Have mom pack lots of extra snacks. VERY IMPORTANT!!!
  • I like to bring along my dad’s lighter to play with, and maybe set a pile of leaves on fire. It’s my property, so I can do whatever I want with it!
  • Lamewad neighbors might try to get you to go to sleep around 11:30, but the Constitution says you can stay up later if you want to.
  • Don’t tread on my sleeping bag.
  • Make sure everyone’s parents are there to pick up their kids and their guns the next morning, and nobody will go to jail.
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Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter

smb

http://splitsider.com/2015/12/steve-miller-writes-a-cover-letter-by-dan-fitzpatrick/

More funny stuff from me on another website! Splitsider was kind enough to publish a strange little thing I wrote called “Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter,” in which the aforementioned rocker applies for a job using some of his most famous lyrics.

“I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I understand the necessity of synergy in today’s commercial climate.”

Check it out!

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12 Things You Only Understand If You’re Dating a Gangster from the 1920s

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Cuz you know how it is…

  1. That moment of panic when he comes home with lipstick on his collar, and the wave of relief when it turns out to just be the blood of a squealer.gangster1

  2. The mystery of how he’s always able to have a lit cigar in his mouth, even when he’s sleeping or in the shower.gangster2

  3. You beg him for months to see that new rom-com in theaters, but once he finally says yes, he gets sentenced to five years in prison.gangster3

  4. He makes you hide a flask in your garter when you go out, since he doesn’t believe restaurants can legally serve alcohol.gangster4

  5. When you wear a tight-fitting dress, and he shouts out, “Boy oh boy, get a load of them gams!”gangster 5

  6. The weekly ritual of bae hiding in the closet while you lie to the police about his whereabouts.          gangster6

  7. How grumpy he gets when you tell him that your first-born is a girl, and not a boy like you promised.gangster7

  8. That time you gave him an iPhone for his birthday, and he just stared at it and said, “I do not know what this is.”                                 gangster8

  9. Right as you’re about to go shopping, your ride gets blown up by a car bomb.gangster9

  10. The judgmental looks you get from so-called “friends” who question why you’re dating someone born in the nineteenth century.gangster10

  11. Having to put up with bloody murders of rival mob bosses on every religious holiday (really, Gino, can’t we have one Pentecost without the garrote wire?).                    gangster11

  12. How, despite all the little problems and literal impossibility of your relationship, you love him no matter what.gangster12

 

(All GIFS courtesy of GIPHY)
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