Monthly Archives: April 2016

Ted Cruz Tries to Spin His Sex Scandal

U.S. Senator Cruz speaks to members of the Texas Federation of Republican Women in San Antonio, Texas

Hello again, America. Although my mission to become the next Republican President is going peachy keen, I’m afraid I have some disturbing news to share with y’all. It happened last night, during my twenty minutes of allotted computer time. As you know, due to strict parental controls, there are only three websites available in the Cruz household: Fox News, Christian Mingle, and Neopets.com. However, I somehow stumbled upon a forbidden website, where people were writing the most terrible things. Worst of all were the claims that I cheated on my beautiful wife Heidi with five different women.

I have no doubt that these defamations have come from nowhere else than the mouth of Donald Trump. It was a tricky play, taking my largest strength—my sensuality—and using it against me. But no matter how much Donald fears that I will seduce all the women in his life, I feel it is time to come clean about this whole mess.

Of course, I do not have five mistresses. I do, however, have fifty mistresses. That’s right, I didn’t stutter. I said Ted Cruz has no fewer than half a hundred paramours, all of whom he makes sweet, sticky love to on a daily basis.

What are the dirty details, you ask? Well, we usually rendezvous in this little place you might have heard of, called the United States of America. Sometimes I meet up with Montana up North and do it under the stars. I’m known to enthrall Maryland with my rocket’s red glare. And let’s not forget how much Mississippi digs those whips and chains.

I-da-ho? No sir, I-da-passionate-lover. Heidi doesn’t mind either; oftentimes she even joins in the fun! You see, America has been my booty call all along. I’ve done them all. Except for Washington, which was named after a dude. Gross.

So as American voters continue to flock to the polls, please do not think of me as a cheap floozy or moralistic hypocrite. Most of all, please do not talk to Carol at the El Paso PetSmart. We two have never met, and she never knows when to keep her big mouth shut.

Instead, ask any of the states about me, and they will tell you about my gentle, caring touch. Just let me have the Oval Office. It won’t hurt, I promise. At this crucial juncture, our country needs a leader who can deliver a gratifying smack both to a set of buttocks and to the illegals crossing our southern border. A leader trained in the art of the lover’s caress as well as the art of job creation. A leader who will not try to take away your guns, but may try to give you a little smooch with the world’s smallest set of lips.

That leader is me. As soon as I’m elected, you’ll already be begging me for a second term. They always do.

I’m Ted Cruz, and I’m coming soon to a bedroom near you.

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A Sneak Peak at 2016’s Hottest New Broadway Shows

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Anthropophobia

This is guaranteed to be the show that none of your friends will be able to get tickets for—because nobody is allowed to see it. With music, lyrics, and book by a crotchety old hermit known only as Greasy Steve, Anthropophobia is the hottest recluse since Bobby Fischer. Best of all, since no one knows what it is about, Anthropophobia is age appropriate for the whole family. Just try not to get too close to the theater, or Steve will pelt you with glass shards.

 

Tubthumping

A unique twist on the popular jukebox musical format, Tubthumping celebrates the inspired sound of Chumbawamba by performing their one hit over and over again. You’ll hear the title song so many times: sped up, slowed down, and even a reggae version!

And did we mention that the musical is for some reason set during The Great Depression?

 

Harrison

Taking a cue from critical and commercial smash Hamilton, this musical tells the story of U.S. President William Henry Harrison. Its revolutionary shortened format reflects the life of Old Tippecanoe, a poorly remembered leader who died after barely a month in office. According to early reviews, Harrison is so fantastic, that few will even mind shelling out hundreds of dollars to see show that lasts for sixteen minutes.

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