Monthly Archives: June 2013

Live Performance of the Week: “Cannon/John the Revelator” by The White Stripes

Who says that the blues are dead? And even if they are, I think this clip just woke them up.

Taking a short jump back to 2007, here we have the two-person sound machine that is The White Stripes tearing through this track from their 1999 eponymous debut album. The duo dedicated the entire release to pioneer bluesman Son House, and this track resurrects the legend’s version of blues standard “John the Revelator.”

One small difference, though–whereas House did the tune a cappella, the Stripes take the opposite route. Modern day guitar god Jack White rips through his mighty riffs with the power of a lunatic. His probable ex-wife, alleged sister, and bonafide bandmate Meg White bashes her drum kit as if summoning armageddon. Just another page out of the Book of the Seven Seals.

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Allergies

  • Whenever I pull a giant wad of tissues out of my pocket, I feel like the world’s lamest magician.
  • A lot of people think it’s gross to put a partly used tissue back in your pocket. Now I only do that with toilet paper.
  • Confederate vegans are nothing but lactose intolerant.
  • I found out I’m allergic to cats, but I don’t think it’s a huge problem–it’s just a food allergy. Plus, when the doctor ordered me to get rid of my cat, I told him that it was already taken care of. He had no other advice, so he couldn’t charge me the copay. I saved $30.
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Would You Rather #1

Would you rather:

a) Step in dog poop, ruining your best pair of shoes?

Or

b) Step in human poop while barefoot, without the opportunity to wash your foot within the next 24 hours?

Choose wisely, and watch your step next time.

(This post was inspired by Buenos Aires, where it is perfectly legal to not pick up after your dog)

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Live Performance of the Week: “In Dreams” by Roy Orbison

After I first came across this song in David Lynch’s Blue Velvet, it transfixed me. I must have listened to it 20 times the next day. Once you manage to look past the creepy opening line (no candy-colored clown is ever allowed in my bedroom), you get a hauntingly beautiful melody that lacks any chorus or repetition. Instead, it just keeps escalating to a powerful climax.

I never feel that Orbison gets as much respect as contemporaries Elvis Presley and Chuck Berry, but this performance from his 1988 Black and White Night special affirms his status as one of pop music’s best singers and songwriters. Even more striking is that this concert aired less than a year before his sudden death, bringing his resurgence to an abrupt end. Still, few other artists can match his impressive catalogue of work, or his masterful composition of “In Dreams.” Thanks for this one, Roy.

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Wordplay Dictionary: Half and Half

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half and half

noun

1. a mixture of milk and cream used to flavor coffee

Due a rare genetic mutation, all of Paula Deen’s children were breastfed with half and half.

2a chilled beverage made up of equal parts iced tea and lemonade, also known as an Arnold Palmer

After the Red Lobster waitress went to refill Cal’s half and half, he tittered, “To be honest, I’ve secretly always preferred to call it a Cal Leibowicz,” to his unimpressed date.

3. a grand total of one, asshole

If you didn’t know that adding half and half together equals one, then you probably aren’t smart enough to understand the rest of this blog post.

4. an extremely literal bisexual person

Martin forced himself to look past her unpleasant odor or weeping odors. He was a half and half, by gum, and if he didn’t land this chick tonight, his monthly ratio would be all wrong.

5. the alternate ending to the biblical story, “The Judgment of Solomon”

The two supposed mothers left the palace satisfied, knowing that half and half was a pretty good deal.

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