Monthly Archives: April 2015

Pussy Riot Played My Niece’s Wedding: A Yelp Review

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Donald P.

Buffalo, NY

Yelp-3-Stars

Sarah my niece had her wedding coming up in January, and I wanted to do something big for her and Brad, her beau-to-be. I’m not too hip to the musics of today (more of a Steely Dan man myself), but I figured it would be neat to get one of these new bands that all the young people are talking about. My Google account took me to the web page for that Russian group Pussy Riot, and wouldn’t you know it, they had an opening the day of the wedding!

A few weeks later, I was picking up those gals at the airport, and we were ready to boogie.

I’ll be the first to admit, things didn’t go so well through their first few numbers. Most of their stuff was a little too loud and fast. One member didn’t seem to play any instrument at all. The only thing she did was angrily curse and wave her fists at the sky. Some of the younger kids were a bit scared.

Luckily, Uncle Don came to the rescue and asked them to play some more familiar party tunes. Believe it or not, they launched into one of the rowdiest covers of The Isley Brothers’ “Shout” I’ve ever heard! All the guests really enjoyed it, though I don’t remember the original version using the word “abortion” so many times.

The real highlight came during the cake cutting. As Brad and Sarah start digging into the first slice, the girls in the band–out of nowhere!–pull out this life-size effigy of Russian President Vladimir Putin! Then, they grab the forks from the newlyweds and repeatedly stabbed the figure in the crotch. You should have seen the stuffing pop out! We all had a good laugh.

I would recommend Pussy Riot, with a couple reservations. On top of being a bit pricey, they sucked up all the vodka at the open bar within about 90 minutes. I also thought their ski masks were a bit too casual for a wedding, but that’s probably just me being old-fashioned.

Still, they were a lot of fun. Those Soviets have really learned to let loose since the Berlin Wall came down. I’d definitely book ’em again if they were available. As a matter of fact, Sarah and Brad recently filed their divorce papers, so I just might be seeing those girls again in the next year or so!

Happy spring to all.

-Don

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Culinary De-Lites: Introducing the New and Improved Lean Cuisine!

Flavor. Variety. Health. Eating alone at your kitchen counter. That’s Lean Cuisine! We’ve been serving up easy and delicious frozen entrees for decades, and now we’ve found a way to make our products even better! We are proud to introduce Lean Cuisine’s Master Chef Recipes, an extended set of instructions to help you get even more satisfaction out of your Lean Cuisine experience!

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Check out the Master Chef Recipe for one of our staples: Four Cheese Cannelloni. After just a few bites, you’ll figure out that this isn’t your grandpa’s microwaveable dinner! (Somehow he always managed to put fresh food on the table).

  1. Remove food tray from packaging, and vent the plastic seal.
  1. Set your microwave to MEDIUM power, and heat the cannelloni for 1 ½-2 minutes.
  1. While your entrée is cooking, stand naked in front of a full-length mirror. Observe your lumpy and misshapen figure, and remember how beautiful you once were in your youth.
  1. Remove the tray from the microwave, and rotate the cannelloni. Cannelloni—that must be Italian. You used to dream about going to Italy, didn’t you? Fantasies of romantic nights in a Tuscan villa? Looks like this is the closest you’re ever going to get.
  1. You’ve somehow been asleep for the past two hours. Better reheat the entrée for an additional 2-3 minutes on HIGH.
  1. Allow the tray to cool in the microwave for 5 minutes. Grab a pack of wine coolers from the garage.
  1. Remove your fresh entrée from the microwave. Crush the plastic packet of Lean Cuisine Mystery Pills® into a fine powder.
  1. Sprinkle the Mystery Pills® over your cannelloni. Stir well.
  1. Pray that this will be the night where the Mystery Pills® grant you the sweet release of death, even though you know they will probably just give you diarrhea.
  1. Repeat steps 1-9 to prepare an additional Four Cheese Cannelloni, just in case some company stops by. Place the tray on the window sill to attract visitors.
  1. Grab a broom to chase away the wild raccoons and opossums that climbed through your open window. Then, weep as you realize that you could have instead befriended them, but came on far too strong.
  1. Enjoy your microwave-fresh Italian delicacy! After each bite, chuckle to yourself and repeat the phrase, “Huh! Who knew that 300 calories could ever taste so good?”

It’s just that simple! Lean Cuisine: guilt-free gourmet entrees since 1981!

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