Flavor. Variety. Health. Eating alone at your kitchen counter. That’s Lean Cuisine! We’ve been serving up easy and delicious frozen entrees for decades, and now we’ve found a way to make our products even better! We are proud to introduce Lean Cuisine’s Master Chef Recipes, an extended set of instructions to help you get even more satisfaction out of your Lean Cuisine experience!
Check out the Master Chef Recipe for one of our staples: Four Cheese Cannelloni. After just a few bites, you’ll figure out that this isn’t your grandpa’s microwaveable dinner! (Somehow he always managed to put fresh food on the table).
- Remove food tray from packaging, and vent the plastic seal.
- Set your microwave to MEDIUM power, and heat the cannelloni for 1 ½-2 minutes.
- While your entrée is cooking, stand naked in front of a full-length mirror. Observe your lumpy and misshapen figure, and remember how beautiful you once were in your youth.
- Remove the tray from the microwave, and rotate the cannelloni. Cannelloni—that must be Italian. You used to dream about going to Italy, didn’t you? Fantasies of romantic nights in a Tuscan villa? Looks like this is the closest you’re ever going to get.
- You’ve somehow been asleep for the past two hours. Better reheat the entrée for an additional 2-3 minutes on HIGH.
- Allow the tray to cool in the microwave for 5 minutes. Grab a pack of wine coolers from the garage.
- Remove your fresh entrée from the microwave. Crush the plastic packet of Lean Cuisine Mystery Pills® into a fine powder.
- Sprinkle the Mystery Pills® over your cannelloni. Stir well.
- Pray that this will be the night where the Mystery Pills® grant you the sweet release of death, even though you know they will probably just give you diarrhea.
- Repeat steps 1-9 to prepare an additional Four Cheese Cannelloni, just in case some company stops by. Place the tray on the window sill to attract visitors.
- Grab a broom to chase away the wild raccoons and opossums that climbed through your open window. Then, weep as you realize that you could have instead befriended them, but came on far too strong.
- Enjoy your microwave-fresh Italian delicacy! After each bite, chuckle to yourself and repeat the phrase, “Huh! Who knew that 300 calories could ever taste so good?”
It’s just that simple! Lean Cuisine: guilt-free gourmet entrees since 1981!
The Danopticon 