Tag Archives: comedy

Feedback for Famous Villains (Other Than Hitler) Who Flunked Art School

hitler artist

Sauron

Sauron seemed a very promising student during our intro to jewelry-making unit, but later ruined a perfectly good piece by scribbling all over it in subpar cursive. Furthermore, he has revealed himself to be a poor collaborator, ordering his classmates to “bend to his will” and refer to him as “The Dark Lord.” We advise his highness to scoop up his new-age baubles and open an Etsy shop.

 

Jack the Ripper

Though a bit messy for some tastes, Jack’s carving style is undeniably distinctive. Several copycats in the school have already adopted his technique. Unfortunately, we have been unable to find out who he actually is, and therefore are unable to award full credit.

 

Trix Rabbit

Mr. Rabbit lacks any creative integrity whatsoever. It’s one thing to steal the work of another artist, but it’s even lower to purloin supplies from his fellow students. He’s even been caught pilfering cheap BIC crayons stolen from the children’s classroom. Really, Rabbit? BICs are for kids.

 

Vlad the Impaler

An apple skewered with a stick, a clock skewered with a stick, a stick skewered with a stick. Yep, we sense a formula here.

Have you tried drinking the blood of a more talented artist?

 

Cruella De Vil

Having an art school haircut does not make one an artist. This is a lesson Ms. De Vil has yet to learn, along with her woeful habit of covering all her work with Dalmatian spots. If you want to create meaningful art about dogs, paint them playing poker.

 

Godzilla

Godzilla re-enrolls in our academy every few years, but his results are always as dismal as before. After weeks of constructing a painstakingly detailed model of some major city, Godzilla will stumble and crash into the mini metropolis. He then claims the entire scene is some kind of allegory for nuclear war, but all this grader sees is a rubber-skinned iguana who does not watch where he steps. Derivative!

 

Pontius Pilate

Great art is timeless. Alas, Pilate only cares about what is popular in the moment. A crowd of people demands something gaudy; Pilate plasters his canvas with sequins. Five minutes later, that same crowd says minimalism is in, and Pilate strips his entire piece down. Make up your mind!

On top of that, Pilate wastes far too much valuable time in the studio repeatedly washing his hands.

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12 Shocking Game of Thrones Facts That Will Change Your World Forever

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Only the most hardcore Thrones fans know these facts. Let us know what surprises you the most in the comments section!

  • Showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss want Game of Thrones to have a more realistic, human feel than other fantasy shows, which is why Jon Snow is seen using the toilet at least once per episode.
  • No character in the show has actually ever said the word “dragon.”
  • What a coincidence! We all know fan favorite Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf, but actor Peter Dinklage discovered during the filming of season three that he too has dwarfism. “It really gave me insight into Tyrion’s mind that I didn’t have early on in the show,” admitted Dinklage.
  • A Song of Ice and Fire author George R.R. Martin cameos as a horse every season.
  • Composer Ramin Djawadi wrote the Game of Thrones theme song just thirty minutes before the show premiered, after finding out last-minute that they weren’t allowed to use the Seinfeld bassline.
  • Thrones is not above product placement to balance out its massive budget. This is most evident in House Greyjoy’s changing its motto from “We Do Not Sow” to “Can You Hear Me Now?”
  • To get the proper reaction from actors during The Purple Wedding, producers decided to actually poison actor Jack Gleeson. “At the end of the day, murdering a child was the only way to go,” explained Benioff.
  • The show’s principal filming locations are Northern Ireland, Croatia, and Newark, NJ.
  • The most challenging aspect of shooting the huge battle scenes is convincing the extras to pick up their prop swords, as many fear the weapons will get fused to their hands.
  • Some superfans are giving their kids GoT-inspired names, like “Castle” and “Breasts.”
  • Martin based many elements of Westeros on real historical events and places. For example, The Wall was inspired by an old refrigerator that Martin’s parents used to lock him inside of as a child.
  • “She’ll be taking lots of improv classes, but she won’t be very good,” says Weiss on what’s next for Arya’s training in Season 7.
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My Night with Muhammad Ali

muhammad ali

This Friday, Muhammad Ali passed away at the age of 74. I can’t claim to know that much about him–I don’t really follow boxing–but I sure do admire him. He was an incredible athlete, a superb wit, and a civil rights icon. Since his death, I’ve come across numerous accounts of ordinary people meeting the legend and remarking upon the warmth and graciousness that he showed to strangers. It seems everyone has their Muhammad Ali story. Here’s mine.

It was an unseasonably warm evening back in March of 2012. After downing my fifth virgin daiquiri of the night, I found myself in the men’s room of Atlantic City’s Showboat casino. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Bathroom-stall

So imagine my surprise when, after finishing up my business, I spun around to face the world’s greatest boxer. Perched in the restroom attendant’s seat was ol’ Cassius Clay, there in the flesh!

Normally, I don’t like to bother celebrities. They’re people too, and deserve peace and quiet when they can get it. I tried my best to exit the lavatory without ruffling any feathers, but ‘The Greatest’ had different plans. He looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Would you care for a towel, sir?”

That just stopped me dead in my tracks. Now, I had heard Ali could be quite the cut-up, but this was hysterical! America’s most celebrated sportsman cornering me in the john and trying to dry my hands off–it was just too much.

I waved the towel away. “No thanks! What were planning on using that for, anyway? Mopping the floor with me in the ring?”

Mr. Ali held the towel back up to me and asked again, assuring me that it was complimentary. Thinking fast, I knocked the towel to the floor and assumed my best fisticuffs stance (I knew it was impossible to match his deadly wit, but I had to at least try to play along). Even that couldn’t get him to break. Those famous fists picked the towel up off the bathroom tiles and dropped it in a nearby wicker basket.

I chuckled and patted him on the back, “I’m surprised at you. You never were one to throw in the towel, Muhammad.”

“What?” he shrewdly retorted. Ali then pointed to the nametag pinned to his jacket. It read “Nelson.”

Oh wow, was he good. Not that his grace surprised me of course. Even as a septuagenarian, Ali possessed the manners of a much younger man. His smooth features betrayed no bruises or scars from past battles, and almost resembled the countenance of a thirty-year-old. Better luck next time, Father Time! No matter the challenge, Muhammad was simply unbeatable. It was just like his famous catchphrase, “Float like a butterfly, and sting like one too!”

By this point, it was clear that we had become close friends. I had to get a picture to show the folks back home, and I figured he wouldn’t mind. Excusing myself for a moment, I fished a disposable Kodak out of my fanny pack.

I grinned and snapped a selfie of the two of us, but then he blew me away with perhaps the wisest advice anyone’s ever shared with me: “No photographs are permitted in the restroom.” I knew exactly what he meant. Sometimes you have to break the rules to make the world a better place, just like Ali did when he refused to fight in Vietnam. I wiped away a tear and bade my hero good night.

As I made my way back to the casino lounge, my head was swimming. Would anybody ever believe my incredible story? I figured the bartender would be up for a good yarn, so I made my way over to him.

“What a night! How about we cap it off with another virgin daiquiri, my good man?”

“Oh, you wanted those virgin?” he repeated. “My mistake.”

RIP, Muhammad.

daiquiri

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Perfect Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Love Crap with Random Words on Them

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You know what they say about mothers—everybody has one. Whether she squeezed you out of her insides or just snatched you from a daycare, she’ll always be Mom to you. And nothing makes her happier than some ordinary object with a single, unrelated word scrawled across its surface. We’re here to help you make Mother’s Day extra special by giving Mom something else she doesn’t need!

– 

‘Thanks’ Milk Jug

milk

What better way is there to show off your gratitude to dear old Mom than with this tasteful dairy arrangement? This milk may go bad after a couple weeks, but at least your maternal devotion will never expire! Also available in soy and almond milk for mothers who hate themselves.   $61.95

 

‘Whisper’ Tissue

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Remember those days when you could tell Mom anything, when it was the two of you against the world? We’ve recreated that precious age with the ‘Whisper’ Tissue. From the outside, it looks like an ordinary hanky, probably filled with mucus and miscellaneous bodily fluids, but within it houses a sweet, tender message. Another secret just for you and Mama!     $28.95

 

‘Hide’ Knife

 knife

Oops, you really messed up this time. How did things with Janet go so wrong so fast? Mistakes are inevitable, but at least mom’s always there by your side. Commemorate your special bond with this lightly-used kitchen knife. Mom will treasure it forever, and hide it someplace safe where nobody will ever see it’s diamond-cut edge or luxurious no-slip grip again.     $45.99

 

‘There’ Dental Floss

 floss

Flossing and relaxing—those are two things moms don’t do enough. Whenever mothers get overwhelmed, they like to close their eyes and imagine a special place, where everyone is happy and made more informed decisions about birth control during their teenage years. And when it comes to picturing this new age destination, the more vague the better. Help your mom go ‘there,’ with this intricately decorated floss case. It’s guaranteed to be a constant source of comfort as she stares hopelessly into her reflection in the mirror every morning and night.     $46.00

 

‘Lady’ Travel Mug

 mug 

Moms have lots of jobs: cook, cleaner, driver. I guess that’s about it. But once you peel back all those layers, you’ll notice that your mom is also a lady. Make sure everybody knows it with this fashionable travel mug, which combines on-the-go convenience with a sprinkle of feminine flair! Warning: do not microwave, or else it will literally melt her heart.     $24.50

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A Sneak Peak at 2016’s Hottest New Broadway Shows

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Anthropophobia

This is guaranteed to be the show that none of your friends will be able to get tickets for—because nobody is allowed to see it. With music, lyrics, and book by a crotchety old hermit known only as Greasy Steve, Anthropophobia is the hottest recluse since Bobby Fischer. Best of all, since no one knows what it is about, Anthropophobia is age appropriate for the whole family. Just try not to get too close to the theater, or Steve will pelt you with glass shards.

 

Tubthumping

A unique twist on the popular jukebox musical format, Tubthumping celebrates the inspired sound of Chumbawamba by performing their one hit over and over again. You’ll hear the title song so many times: sped up, slowed down, and even a reggae version!

And did we mention that the musical is for some reason set during The Great Depression?

 

Harrison

Taking a cue from critical and commercial smash Hamilton, this musical tells the story of U.S. President William Henry Harrison. Its revolutionary shortened format reflects the life of Old Tippecanoe, a poorly remembered leader who died after barely a month in office. According to early reviews, Harrison is so fantastic, that few will even mind shelling out hundreds of dollars to see show that lasts for sixteen minutes.

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Does the 1% Dare to Spend a Night in Count Bernardo Sanders’ House of Horrors!?

count bernardo

Wanna hear a scary story? We live in a country where the top one-tenth of the 1% has almost as much wealth as the bottom 90%. Making matters worse, the children of the ultra-rich are poised to inherit all of their parents’ money. We simply cannot allow this process to continue, unless those kids manage to stay in a spooky mansion for a whole night.

You know the deal, Trump Jr. Make it till dawn in the haunted house without running off or winding up dead, and you win the family jewels. Otherwise, you walk away with jack squat.

Trust me, this is the only solution. I did the math; I did the monster math. That’s why I built Count Bernardo’s House of Horrors. It’s the one reform measure guaranteed to give everyone a fair shake and make your hair stand on end. And I should know a thing or two about that—just ask my barber!

Sure, maybe this sounds like a cinch at first. But just wait until you’re shacked up with cobwebbed candelabras, eerie organ music, and a bunch of portraits whose eyes move all by themselves! There will also be tons of hidden trapdoors, symbolic of the countless pitfalls braved by the middle class every day. But they’ll be literal trapdoors too, probably leading to the cellar or something. You get the idea.

If you’re really unlucky, a gaggle of ghastly ghouls will pop out from the woodwork and bury you alive. In college debt, that is. Frightened yet?

Even if those trust fund brats aren’t rattled by all the spooks and scares, let’s see how they handle the lack of sleep! If it was me, I would just drink a little bit of nighttime cold medicine before bedtime. Knocks you right out! However, this mansion only has dusty goblets filled with a red goo that makes you see apparitions of Ronald Reagan and deny the existence of climate change.

Of course, other candidates may propose similar plans, except they’re all in cahoots with Wall Street bankers. Secretary Clinton, for example, just opened up Killary’s Clin-tomb’s Night of Frights. Sure, it’s got plenty of CGI effects, celebrity cameos, and a full raw bar, but it’s also financed completely by Goldman-Sachs. My haunted house, on the other hand, was funded by handfuls of loose change from everyday voters, just like you. It’s amazing what you can do with an old tool shed and a few strips of paper mâché.

Anyway, I better hit the road. I’ve got to catch a bus back to Montpelier. Our local joke shop is having a sale on vampire fangs. If I don’t get them by tomorrow, they’ll become possessed—by a bloated hedge fund!

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Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go “Yum!”

https://aboveaverage.com/unlikely-animal-friendships-that-will-make-you-go-yum/

Dear Danopticon disciples,

Which do you love more: surprising animal BFFs, or deliciously paired meats? Don’t worry, you don’t need to choose!

All you need to do is check out my latest piece on Above Average, “Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go ‘Yum!'” It will make your heart glow and your mouth water.

Enjoy, and don’t forget to check out aboveaverage.com for other hilarious videos and articles.

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When the GOP and Science Work Together

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Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina both dropped out today, proving Galileo’s theory that heavy and light objects fall at the same speed.

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Ammon Bundy’s Super Awesome Tips for the Best Sleepover Ever

Bundy sleeping bag

Hi, I’m Ammon. You’ve probably heard about me, on account of me and my friends throwing the coolest sleepover of all time. Jealous, buttface? Well don’t sweat it, because you too can be a radical dude who doesn’t answer to anyone—especially parents.

  • Instead of using a crummy old basement, make a sweet fort! Simply drape a blanket across some couch cushions, or take over a federal building in Oregon.
  • As long as you’ve still got your cowboy hat on, you can change into your footsie pajamas and not get called a little baby.
  • Once it’s dark out, pass around a photo of a pretty lady in a bathing suit. Talk about how much action you’d get if the government wasn’t always in the way.
  • Everybody gets a little bit homesick sometimes, so it’s okay to sleep holding a teddy bear or assault rifle.
  • Have mom pack lots of extra snacks. VERY IMPORTANT!!!
  • I like to bring along my dad’s lighter to play with, and maybe set a pile of leaves on fire. It’s my property, so I can do whatever I want with it!
  • Lamewad neighbors might try to get you to go to sleep around 11:30, but the Constitution says you can stay up later if you want to.
  • Don’t tread on my sleeping bag.
  • Make sure everyone’s parents are there to pick up their kids and their guns the next morning, and nobody will go to jail.
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Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter

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http://splitsider.com/2015/12/steve-miller-writes-a-cover-letter-by-dan-fitzpatrick/

More funny stuff from me on another website! Splitsider was kind enough to publish a strange little thing I wrote called “Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter,” in which the aforementioned rocker applies for a job using some of his most famous lyrics.

“I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I understand the necessity of synergy in today’s commercial climate.”

Check it out!

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