Sauron
Sauron seemed a very promising student during our intro to jewelry-making unit, but later ruined a perfectly good piece by scribbling all over it in subpar cursive. Furthermore, he has revealed himself to be a poor collaborator, ordering his classmates to “bend to his will” and refer to him as “The Dark Lord.” We advise his highness to scoop up his new-age baubles and open an Etsy shop.
Jack the Ripper
Though a bit messy for some tastes, Jack’s carving style is undeniably distinctive. Several copycats in the school have already adopted his technique. Unfortunately, we have been unable to find out who he actually is, and therefore are unable to award full credit.
Trix Rabbit
Mr. Rabbit lacks any creative integrity whatsoever. It’s one thing to steal the work of another artist, but it’s even lower to purloin supplies from his fellow students. He’s even been caught pilfering cheap BIC crayons stolen from the children’s classroom. Really, Rabbit? BICs are for kids.
Vlad the Impaler
An apple skewered with a stick, a clock skewered with a stick, a stick skewered with a stick. Yep, we sense a formula here.
Have you tried drinking the blood of a more talented artist?
Cruella De Vil
Having an art school haircut does not make one an artist. This is a lesson Ms. De Vil has yet to learn, along with her woeful habit of covering all her work with Dalmatian spots. If you want to create meaningful art about dogs, paint them playing poker.
Godzilla
Godzilla re-enrolls in our academy every few years, but his results are always as dismal as before. After weeks of constructing a painstakingly detailed model of some major city, Godzilla will stumble and crash into the mini metropolis. He then claims the entire scene is some kind of allegory for nuclear war, but all this grader sees is a rubber-skinned iguana who does not watch where he steps. Derivative!
Pontius Pilate
Great art is timeless. Alas, Pilate only cares about what is popular in the moment. A crowd of people demands something gaudy; Pilate plasters his canvas with sequins. Five minutes later, that same crowd says minimalism is in, and Pilate strips his entire piece down. Make up your mind!
On top of that, Pilate wastes far too much valuable time in the studio repeatedly washing his hands.
The Danopticon 