Monthly Archives: March 2015

The Top 5 SAT Myths, as Debunked by a Real-Life Harvard Genius

SAT-scores

Okay folks, let’s face one thing up front: I am an intellectual marvel. Wherever I go, I’m the smartest guy in the room, and I announce this very fact whenever I enter a room. And does anyone challenge me? No, the other people just stare at me as if they have no idea what’s going on. Idiots.

I can’t teach you how to be like me, but I can help you set yourself apart from the drooling masses. With the right SAT scores, you too can find yourself in an esteemed institution of higher learning. You forget about these common SAT myths, and soon you will be able to fulfill your dreams of joining a kinky secret society founded by a U.S. President, or devouring handfuls of fresh ivy leaves straight from the wall (that’s right, it’s edible).

Myth #1: If you smear chapstick on your Scantron sheet, the machine will read all your answers as correct.

Sadly, this trick is a dead end, and I have witnessed far too many desperate students throwing their college careers away with this technique. If chapstick ever worked, test makers have since pioneered a way to stop it. Instead, lather your answer sheet with Pace® Extra Chunky Chipotle Salsa. Not only will you get a perfect score, but you’ll also be ready for a fiesta loca! Pace®—Grab the Southwest by the Bottle.

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 Myth #2: You get 200 points just for spelling your name correctly.

This may or may not be true, but 200 points will only get you so far. What if I said you could get an even higher bonus? Here’s the key: instead of penciling in your own name in the little bubbles, write in “David Coleman.” He is not only the president and CEO of the SAT’s College Board, but also an ancient pagan blood deity who demands constant tribute. Praising his dark name will earn you 666 additional points, and who can turn down that offer? Ave, Coleman, morituri te salutamas.

Myth #3: There is a third SAT myth.

There is no third SAT myth. Few things in life are true, and there are no fairy tales. Grow up.

Myth #4: Once you’re in college, everyone will be comparing their SAT scores.

This is one of the more irrational stories I hear from prospective collegians. Luckily, it’s all baloney. No one will be comparing their scores to yours, as all universities in the United States are legally obligated to segregate their student bodies by levels of intelligence. Don’t worry about some 2400 hotshot putting you in your place; the wall between you will be twelve feet high and covered in razor wire.

Myth #5: Your SAT score alone determines where you get into college.

No way, it’s just one number! What you put down on paper will never make or break you. Rather, it’s what you slip in between the pages that counts. Most people settle with large wads of cash. This is a good start, but often not enough for the avaricious SAT graders. I would recommend including something more substantial, like the deed to your house. And if your parents are concerned about being homeless? Maybe they should have thought about buying multiple houses if they ever expected to send their kids to college.

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Conversations with Saint Patrick

st-patrick

A crack team of historians at Yale University recently discovered a rare document detailing actual conversations that Saint Patrick had with his Irish followers. A few excerpts, which I am assured are completely genuine, are listed below:

On the origins of St. Patrick’s Day

“You see those shamrocks today?”

“They’re always there, Patrick.”

“Yeah, I know!”

“Can you cut this shit out? We’ve all heard it before.”

“How bout just one day a year?”

“Fine.”

———

On driving the snakes out of Ireland

“So, uh, not too many snakes out there this morning.”

“Get out of my house, Patrick!”

“Whatever. Just thought you might wanna thank me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I checked the town well, the mud fields, behind the altar. All snake-free.”

“There were never any to begin with.”

“Yeah, I drove them away.”

“Nope.”

“But can’t that be my thing? The snake banisher? Everyone has a thing but me.”

“Really? What’s my thing?”

“How about keeping secrets?”

———

Getting to know the Irish pirates who kidnapped him

“Water, water, water all around us. Just couple of guys hanging out at sea, having some laughs.”

“Your family better be rich.”

“We’re rich in the Lord.

“In the Lord? What is that supposed to mean?

“Haven’t I told you about my friend Jesus?”

“Oh God, not again.”

“Just think of him as a single leaf on a shamrock…”

“I’m gonna need a beer.”

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Drunk History Update

Dear computer people,

In the past month, you have helped me in my bold campaign to get on Drunk History. Your votes secured me a second place finish in the first round, making me eligible for the grand prize.

Unfortunately, the fairytale run stops there. The contest judges selected another finalist for the grand prize, and I finished as a runner-up. Despite the grievous error in their reasoning, I am still honored by your tremendous support and enthusiasm. Please do not allow that excitement to transform into a violent frenzy aimed at me or anyone involved with Drunk History, but rather be thankful that your collective efforts were able to get my comedic genius so far. And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Christmas.

Your faithful servant,
Daniel

P.S. If you want to check out my video, it looks like it has a permanent link on Vimeo here:

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