A crack team of historians at Yale University recently discovered a rare document detailing actual conversations that Saint Patrick had with his Irish followers. A few excerpts, which I am assured are completely genuine, are listed below:
On the origins of St. Patrick’s Day
“You see those shamrocks today?”
“They’re always there, Patrick.”
“Yeah, I know!”
“Can you cut this shit out? We’ve all heard it before.”
“How bout just one day a year?”
“Fine.”
———
On driving the snakes out of Ireland
“So, uh, not too many snakes out there this morning.”
“Get out of my house, Patrick!”
“Whatever. Just thought you might wanna thank me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I checked the town well, the mud fields, behind the altar. All snake-free.”
“There were never any to begin with.”
“Yeah, I drove them away.”
“Nope.”
“But can’t that be my thing? The snake banisher? Everyone has a thing but me.”
“Really? What’s my thing?”
“How about keeping secrets?”
———
Getting to know the Irish pirates who kidnapped him
“Water, water, water all around us. Just couple of guys hanging out at sea, having some laughs.”
“Your family better be rich.”
“We’re rich in the Lord.“
“In the Lord? What is that supposed to mean?
“Haven’t I told you about my friend Jesus?”
“Oh God, not again.”
“Just think of him as a single leaf on a shamrock…”
“I’m gonna need a beer.”
The Danopticon 