Tag Archives: holiday

Perfect Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Love Crap with Random Words on Them

rock

You know what they say about mothers—everybody has one. Whether she squeezed you out of her insides or just snatched you from a daycare, she’ll always be Mom to you. And nothing makes her happier than some ordinary object with a single, unrelated word scrawled across its surface. We’re here to help you make Mother’s Day extra special by giving Mom something else she doesn’t need!

– 

‘Thanks’ Milk Jug

milk

What better way is there to show off your gratitude to dear old Mom than with this tasteful dairy arrangement? This milk may go bad after a couple weeks, but at least your maternal devotion will never expire! Also available in soy and almond milk for mothers who hate themselves.   $61.95

 

‘Whisper’ Tissue

tissue.png

Remember those days when you could tell Mom anything, when it was the two of you against the world? We’ve recreated that precious age with the ‘Whisper’ Tissue. From the outside, it looks like an ordinary hanky, probably filled with mucus and miscellaneous bodily fluids, but within it houses a sweet, tender message. Another secret just for you and Mama!     $28.95

 

‘Hide’ Knife

 knife

Oops, you really messed up this time. How did things with Janet go so wrong so fast? Mistakes are inevitable, but at least mom’s always there by your side. Commemorate your special bond with this lightly-used kitchen knife. Mom will treasure it forever, and hide it someplace safe where nobody will ever see it’s diamond-cut edge or luxurious no-slip grip again.     $45.99

 

‘There’ Dental Floss

 floss

Flossing and relaxing—those are two things moms don’t do enough. Whenever mothers get overwhelmed, they like to close their eyes and imagine a special place, where everyone is happy and made more informed decisions about birth control during their teenage years. And when it comes to picturing this new age destination, the more vague the better. Help your mom go ‘there,’ with this intricately decorated floss case. It’s guaranteed to be a constant source of comfort as she stares hopelessly into her reflection in the mirror every morning and night.     $46.00

 

‘Lady’ Travel Mug

 mug 

Moms have lots of jobs: cook, cleaner, driver. I guess that’s about it. But once you peel back all those layers, you’ll notice that your mom is also a lady. Make sure everybody knows it with this fashionable travel mug, which combines on-the-go convenience with a sprinkle of feminine flair! Warning: do not microwave, or else it will literally melt her heart.     $24.50

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Official NRA Stocking Stuffers for Your Favorite 2nd Amendment Nut!

christmas gun

It’s that time of year again: presents are getting wrapped, lights are going up, and mass shootings are at an all-time high! But don’t let that get you down, firearm enthusiasts. Here are six nifty gifts guaranteed to protect your Second Amendment rights and indirectly fund the continuing gun violence in our great country.

Remember, these are all actual items available at nrastore.com.

Firearms Record Book

firearms book.jpg

If you’re any half-decent marksman, chances are you have a hard time remember just how many weapons you own and how many bad guys you’ve shot. Keep track of your Constitutional defenses with this handy, leather-bound record book. $49.95

7.62 Keychain Bottle Opener

bullet bottle opener

The flash of the muzzle, the screams of your victims–oh God, it’s all coming back to you. What better way to clear away the guilt than with a cool six-pack, opened up with a keychain made from a military-grade cartridge? Nice try, memories. $16.95

Traveler’s Guide to the Firearm Laws of the 50 States

firearm law book

We know, most NRA diehards aren’t too big on “books” or “reading,” but this here is an exception. Featuring easy-to-read print and a portable design, this guide will let you know precisely where and how you can irresponsibly take justice into your own hands. $9.95

Door Stop Alarm

door stop alarm

Any day now, the government is going to burst into your home and try to take your guns. You can feel it in your bones. Get a jump on the bastards with this handy door alarm, whose “ear-piercing 120 decibel” screech will have you thinking, “This is what the Founding Fathers wanted.” $13.95

Minuteman Concealment Mantle Clock

gun clock

Ever think to yourself, “Gee, I like my clock, but I sure do wish it could carry a gun?” With this unique timepiece, your worries are at an end. It’s the mullet of clocks–all business in the front, and packing heat in the back. Plus, kids will hardly be able to keep their hands off it! $49.95

Daisy Model 1938 Red Ryder BB Gun Kit

bb gun

Do you have a special someone who loves both guns and the 1983 film A Christmas Story? Reward them with this authentic kit that completely ignores the ending of the movie, in which Ralphie does indeed shoot himself.

But you know whose eye won’t get shot out with this gun? Lady Liberty, that’s who! $39.95

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Conversations with Saint Patrick

st-patrick

A crack team of historians at Yale University recently discovered a rare document detailing actual conversations that Saint Patrick had with his Irish followers. A few excerpts, which I am assured are completely genuine, are listed below:

On the origins of St. Patrick’s Day

“You see those shamrocks today?”

“They’re always there, Patrick.”

“Yeah, I know!”

“Can you cut this shit out? We’ve all heard it before.”

“How bout just one day a year?”

“Fine.”

———

On driving the snakes out of Ireland

“So, uh, not too many snakes out there this morning.”

“Get out of my house, Patrick!”

“Whatever. Just thought you might wanna thank me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I checked the town well, the mud fields, behind the altar. All snake-free.”

“There were never any to begin with.”

“Yeah, I drove them away.”

“Nope.”

“But can’t that be my thing? The snake banisher? Everyone has a thing but me.”

“Really? What’s my thing?”

“How about keeping secrets?”

———

Getting to know the Irish pirates who kidnapped him

“Water, water, water all around us. Just couple of guys hanging out at sea, having some laughs.”

“Your family better be rich.”

“We’re rich in the Lord.

“In the Lord? What is that supposed to mean?

“Haven’t I told you about my friend Jesus?”

“Oh God, not again.”

“Just think of him as a single leaf on a shamrock…”

“I’m gonna need a beer.”

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The Sensible Snowman

“In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend he is Parson Brown.
He’ll say, ‘Are you married?’
We’ll say, ‘No man!’
But you can do the job
When you’re in town!”

“No I can’t! I’m a snowman. That marriage would have no legitimacy anywhere!”

“Oh. I guess we’ll just go home then.”

“Put on some gloves!”

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A Special Columbus Day Announcement

A Special Columbus Day Announcement

The Danopticon wishes you a very happy Columbus Day–whatever that may mean.

Special thanks to cartoonist Nora Garry.

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Happy Passover?

Has anyone seen my firstborn son at all today? I haven’t seen him around, and I’m starting to get concerned.

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