Monthly Archives: August 2015

JJ Abrams: All Special Effects in ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Done in MS Paint

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In a week that has already been chock-full of juicy tidbits about the upcoming ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens,’ director JJ Abrams just dropped another bomb on us, this time regarding the film’s special effects: they have all been designed with Microsoft Paint.

“I felt the overuse of CGI took a lot away from the prequel trilogy,” explained Abrams. “But we have recaptured and reinvented the tangible authenticity of the original films using MS Paint. And I think the results may surprise you.”

Let’s take a look at some exclusive new images below:

 

Trouble on Tatooine

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Above: Happy ever after? Heroes Finn (John Boyega) and Rey (Daisy Ridley) flee a deadly TIE Fighter attack. Fans of ‘Return of the Jedi’ will be overjoyed to see Mr. Flipper, a mischievous Ewok, joining them on their adventures. Abrams revealed, “Given that this film takes place in a new era of Star Wars history, we were looking for a slightly different look. In the end, no technique brought our world to life more than Paint, a simple art program most popular in the 1990s.”

Prepare for Take-Off!

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Above: Ace pilot Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) prepares for battle along with the rest of his mighty fleet. As always, his sidekick Girl Yoda is ready to fly off and kick some Sith butt. Abrams’ special effects team put in over 300 hours into designing Girl Yoda’s dress and bow, so viewers new and old alike could clearly tell that she was just like the original Yoda, except also a girl.

Never Tell Me the Odds!

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Above: With a ruined Star Destroyed in the background, new character Jeeku the Hutt runs for his life from an AT-ST and a UFO. Abrams commented, “Traditionally in the Star Wars canon, the Hutts are a race of giant, slug-like gangsters. But in our initial Paint design of Jeeku, he came out looking more like a centaur, so we just decided to roll with that.”

How excited are you for the new Star Wars special effects? Let us know in the comment section below!

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My Cover Letter to the National Rifle Association

NRA

Dear ladies and germs of the National Rifle Association,

Hi there! My name is Doctor Danny, but my hunting buddies call me ‘El Poopador.’ I’m your next Grassroots Coordinator! Let me tell you why.

I have to admit, I think we have a major problem with guns in our country. There simply aren’t enough of them! When it comes to gun rights, I think the founding fathers said it best. “Sorry I accidentally shot your friend with my gun,” said George ‘The First President’ Washington to Ben ‘The Second President’ Franklin, “but don’t worry, he was only a slave.”

Sure, guns are loud and scary, but you know what’s even scarier than guns? That’s right, immigrants! For me, immigrants are extra scary, since I’m not actually sure what “immigrant” means. I once started reading an article about it, but I ran out of apple juice that day. I fall asleep if I don’t have my juice.

This goes without saying, but I love camouflage outfits. I hate when people can see me; it violates my rights as an American. Granted, if I’m wearing my camo jacket at the mall, I might be visible to other shoppers. But for a second maybe, just maybe, those people are totally uncertain of what they’re seeing. Am I predator or prey, light or shadow, man or anthropomorphic tree?

My involvement with the NRA would also help cover up the fact that I possess hideously shrunken genitalia. To the naked eye, my nether-regions are perfectly smooth. Medical experts say this is likely because both my parents are G.I. Joe dolls (that’s right, I come from a long line of American heroes)! The only time I’m actually able to spot my little fellow is when I’m peering through the scope of a sniper rifle, which I’m sure you have plenty of.

I am a proud college graduate, having spent four years watching Monsters University. As you would expect, I am highly proficient in all aspects of Microsoft Office, thouGH SOMETIMES I HAVE TRoubLE FIGURING OUt how to uSE CAPs lock. But my typing is accurate about 84% of the time, which should be pretty good for yOU GUys, amirite?

To sum things up, I’m just a cool dude dedicated to the pro-gun crusade. If it came down to it, I would even be willing to die for the freedom to bear arms, just like Presidents Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and Kennedy. And as an NRA employee, I would try my best to make many others do the same.

Anywho, give me a heads-up when the NRA decides to hire me. I’ll be out fucking around in the woods. Just holler, I’ll hear you.

Your friend,

El Poopador

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Shocking Details from the Original ‘House of Cards’ Script!

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Assuming you haven’t been living under a rock the past few years, you’ve at least heard of House of Cards, if not binged watched it in your own bed. While the Netflix smash hit takes inspiration from the Michael Dobbs novels and BBC miniseries of the same name, it has truly blossomed into a force of its own.

Of course, American showrunner Beau Willimon started out with a radically different idea of what House of Cards would be, though many of these original ideas never made it to screen. Perhaps the most shocking difference is how often the writers had Frank Underwood say the name of the show–56 times in the first season alone!

Check out some snippets of the original House of Cards below:

1. Peter Russo enters the belly of the beast.

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2. Frank takes a moment to relax and enjoy himself.

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3. Frank visits Freddy’s Ribs.

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4. Frank uses his magic to sway Congress.

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Top 10 Bestselling Barnes & Noble Pieces of Shit

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Here at Barnes & Noble, we strive to meet all the needs of our loyal customers. Recently, we have gotten one question again and again, regarding the function of an essential store feature: the anti-theft scanners placed at every door. “Why would you worry about people stealing books,” they ask, “when anyone can get free, unlimited books at the library?”

The answer is quite simple. While we are America’s top book store, we aren’t exactly interested in selling books, not while gifts, toys, and snacks are more popular and profitable. In fact, we are so proud our knick-knack treasures that we compiled a list of our bestselling items guaranteed to let you buy your way to intellectual fulfillment. And away we go:

homer and aristotle

1. Homer and Aristotle Bookends

Whoa there, big reader! Before you start building your personal library, you’ll need something to hold up your books and to ensure that your study space properly reflects your advanced intellect . We recommend this set of bookends molded in the visages of Homer and Aristotle, two dead authors whom smart people often mention. Before long, these pieces will have your idiot visitors exclaiming, “It’s all Greek to me!”

bookmarks

2. A five dollar bookmark

You know what one of the hardest parts of reading is? Remembering where you left off! I once spent two years poring over Infinite Jest, only to realize I’d been reading the first page over and over the whole time. I really could have done with one of Barnes and Noble’s stylish bookmarks. At a mere five dollars apiece, our laminated bookmarks feature the young adult novel protagonist of your choice, and will keep your place far better than any old scrap of paper would.*

*(A regular piece of paper will actually jump from page to page when you’re not looking, so don’t even try it.)

starbucks

3. A coffee-shaped Starbucks cookie

Any scholar worth his salt needs regular nourishment. With its unique design, this handy snack saves you from the difficult question, “Do I want food or drink?” Talk about a catch 22! Haha, a literary joke. We are having fun.

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4. A movie poster (based on a book!)

Nothing helps generate enthusiasm for a book like a movie! We have an immense selection of movie posters perfect for home, office, and dorm use that will be sure to remind you and everybody else, “Hey, I know what happens in this book.”

hulk

5. A fucking Avengers doll

Children are annoying, and reading can be difficult. Why try to make them read a book when you can easily shut them up with this expensive superhero toy? Not only was this Avenger action figure inspired by a comic book, but it was also made by other children!

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6-8. Three more Avengers dolls

Because having just one Avenger would limit your child’s creative potential.

fancy journal

9. A fancy-pants journal

You are a smart, serious person, and your smart thoughts deserve to be taken seriously. This leather-bound journal is ideal for being held on a public park bench while you thoughtfully stare at the sky. Its distinctive wrap-around tie prevents you from opening and closing your journal too quick for anyone to notice. Though specifically designed to capture your diarrhea of the mind, our journal pages can also be used as actual toilet paper in a pinch.

CAP Cover

10. An overpriced edition of Crime and Punishment

Oh yeah, a book! Crime and Punishment–it’s long, famous, and Russian, definitely a member of the great books oeuvre you desperately want to be seen with. The only thing is, you like the concept of reading Crime and Punishment way more than you actually like reading Crime and Punishment. You’re in luck. Our extra sparkly edition of the Dostoevsky classic is sure let your guests know that you own a complicated book, and you don’t care who knows it!

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007 Borrows My Magic Bullet

James Bond

**MI6 Superspy James Bond strolls into my house, grabs my Magic Bullet**

Me: Uh, James?

Bond: So this is Q-Branch’s latest contraption, eh?

Me: That’s just my Magic Bullet.

Bond: A Magic Bullet to stop the Koreans? Seems like a long shot.

Me: Well, I mean, it’s basically just a mini blender.

Bond: Does it have an ejector seat?

Me: It can make salsa in like, four seconds.

Bond: Hmm. Should help me blend in.

Me: You’re not taking that with you, right?

Bond: I think I’ll give it a whirl.

Me: Please don’t break it.

Bond: I’ll use it for everything from purée to Z.

Me: You’re deflecting with puns.

Bond: Maybe I’m rough around the edges, but deep down I’m a smoothie.

Me: What?

**A belly-dancer assassin leaps out of the shadows. Bond smashes my Magic Bullet over her head**

Bond: I’m afraid you and I never did mix, Margarita.

Me: Her name-tag says, “Catherine.”

Bond: They need me back in London.

Me: You can’t just leave!

Bond: I have a mandatory sexual harassment workshop.

Me: How’d you get involved in that?

Bond: Let’s just say it lawsuits me.

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New Web Series: “What’s in Your Grub?”

In this hilarious sketch, Dan takes an ordinary box of cereal into the Food Lab to find out what’s inside–with horrific results, of course.

P.S. Can you believe this was shot on an iPhone?

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Jesus Christ: Drop Dead Sexy?

Jesus Christ, the one, the only. You’ve heard of him, that’s for sure. In fact, it’s not a stretch to say that Jesus is the most popular person to the history of the world. Sure, he wasn’t popular right out of the gates, judging by the large number of folks who wanted him dead. And succeeded. But since what was literally the greatest comeback of all time, Jesus has been riding the ultimate cool guy wave. People are always writing songs about him, decorating their houses with pictures of him, trying to talk to him. Many years before Jesus was even born, God bet that his son would be so popular that he made a rule that we must have a weekly party in his honor. Major props to Jesus for living up to the hype.

At the same time, Jesus’ reputation is strange given how little we actually know about him. Other than a few cursory mentions in various historical documents and a life story spread across four unimaginatively titled gospels (stop making everything about you, Mark!), all our ideas about Jesus are based on oft-contradicting interpretations. In response, countless forms of Christianity have sprouted up, and millions of people have died in wars defending their self-proclaimed kickass version of Jesus against less “on fleek” versions of Jesus. The conflict continues today. And yet, in nearly every visual representation of Jesus, people can agree on one fundamental truth.

He. Was. Drop. Dead. Sexy.

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That’s right. Across centuries and continents, Jesus is always a total hunk. Not quite a 10/10–remember that he was a humble man, after all–but still a solid 8.5. It makes sense if you think about it. He had the toned arms and washboard abs of a carpenter, the dreamy gaze of a man who has seen the face of God himself, and the unmistakeable swagger of a dude who can walk on water. He really took care of himself, too. Jesus was in amazing shape for a guy who could multiply bread and fish whenever he wanted.

It’s almost detrimental for Christianity to have such an attractive savior. Even as a staunch heterosexual, I often found myself distracted in church, and I am sure having images of a divine beefcake all around me didn’t help. Interestingly, Christians’ idea of interior decorating sure do clash with their general opinions of homosexuality. A lot of people wonder what Jesus would tell the gay community if he were here today. I think he’d probably say, “Hey, pal. My eyes are up here!”

Christians might be better off adopting another faith’s portrayal of less handsome divine figures, at least to help us stay focused at important moments. Safer approaches include Buddhism (“How about a laid-back fat guy?”), Hindu (“I just feel like there should be more arms.”), and radical Islam (“Put the damn pencil down!”).

Of course, we base Jesus’ universally-accepted hotness solely on popular depictions. Nowhere does the Bible describe Jesus’s physicality in great detail. Imagine how many problems would be solved if we only had:

“And there in the sands of Galilee, Jesus brought down his staff with a strength matched only by his jawline. His five-foot-eleven frame glided through the doorway of the temple. ‘I am the Son of God,’ he proclaimed with a mouth that had pretty big lips, but looked good on him though. And his beloved disciple John answered, ‘Rabbi, you are truly the King of Kings. Also, your eyes are green and your hair is dark brown.'” – Luke 8:11-14.

Then again, Jesus might be far from the glorious picture we have created. Modern-day beauty standards are harsh, but they don’t hold a candle up to Jesus’. For all we know, the real Jesus could have cankles and a neckbeard, which seems pretty likely since man was created in his image. Or maybe that old Spanish lady was right. She finally gave us a furry, flounder-faced, historically accurate visage of Jesus, and all we did with her masterpiece was use it to insult her artistic prowess. Chin up, Señora Giménez. ¡Your art is not muy mal!

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Alternatively, he could have just gotten really out of shape hanging out in heaven, a place full of calzones and devoid of StairMasters. That’s probably why we’re still waiting for the Second Coming. Jesus is still up there trying to shed those extra pounds. Basically, he’s the Val Kilmer of the Holy Trinity.

val kilmer fat

This body type is not ascending anywhere without an escalator.

So was Jesus really so dashing? The only answer is that we accept whatever Christ is out there. He could have looked like the average Galilean man of his time, or he could have been an extremely caucasian boxer with a game-face like no other. Each is equally plausible; we have no way of knowing. But as long as you believe that all Jesuses are beautiful, that’s all that matters.* And that’s the gospel truth.

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