My Cover Letter to the National Rifle Association


Dear ladies and germs of the National Rifle Association,

Hi there! My name is Doctor Danny, but my hunting buddies call me ‘El Poopador.’ I’m your next Grassroots Coordinator! Let me tell you why.

I have to admit, I think we have a major problem with guns in our country. There simply aren’t enough of them! When it comes to gun rights, I think the founding fathers said it best. “Sorry I accidentally shot your friend with my gun,” said George ‘The First President’ Washington to Ben ‘The Second President’ Franklin, “but don’t worry, he was only a slave.”

Sure, guns are loud and scary, but you know what’s even scarier than guns? That’s right, immigrants! For me, immigrants are extra scary, since I’m not actually sure what “immigrant” means. I once started reading an article about it, but I ran out of apple juice that day. I fall asleep if I don’t have my juice.

This goes without saying, but I love camouflage outfits. I hate when people can see me; it violates my rights as an American. Granted, if I’m wearing my camo jacket at the mall, I might be visible to other shoppers. But for a second maybe, just maybe, those people are totally uncertain of what they’re seeing. Am I predator or prey, light or shadow, man or anthropomorphic tree?

My involvement with the NRA would also help cover up the fact that I possess hideously shrunken genitalia. To the naked eye, my nether-regions are perfectly smooth. Medical experts say this is likely because both my parents are G.I. Joe dolls (that’s right, I come from a long line of American heroes)! The only time I’m actually able to spot my little fellow is when I’m peering through the scope of a sniper rifle, which I’m sure you have plenty of.

I am a proud college graduate, having spent four years watching Monsters University. As you would expect, I am highly proficient in all aspects of Microsoft Office, thouGH SOMETIMES I HAVE TRoubLE FIGURING OUt how to uSE CAPs lock. But my typing is accurate about 84% of the time, which should be pretty good for yOU GUys, amirite?

To sum things up, I’m just a cool dude dedicated to the pro-gun crusade. If it came down to it, I would even be willing to die for the freedom to bear arms, just like Presidents Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and Kennedy. And as an NRA employee, I would try my best to make many others do the same.

Anywho, give me a heads-up when the NRA decides to hire me. I’ll be out fucking around in the woods. Just holler, I’ll hear you.

Your friend,

El Poopador


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