Monthly Archives: December 2015

Saving the Most Stuff When Your House Burns Down

http://aboveaverage.com/saving-the-most-stuff-when-your-house-burns-down/

Hello my fellow Danopticonians,

I posted another funny piece on Above Average, this time giving you some fire safety tips that you may not be familiar with:

“Don’t bother checking in on any pets or children. They’re likely busy gathering possessions of their own, and interrupting them would only waste everybody’s time.”

Thanks for reading, and I promise to return soon with real (shitty) blog content, and not just links to other websites.

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War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?

http://aboveaverage.com/war-on-christmas-why-dont-bibles-say-merry-christmas-anymore/

Hey, Danopticon readers! I recently published a funny piece on Above Average called “War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?”

“I visited my local bookstore, purchased a fresh copy of the Bible, and found not a single gleeful exclamation of “Merry Christmas” in print.”

Please check it out and share with your friends! And be sure to check out other hilarious videos and articles at aboveaverage.com!

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Official NRA Stocking Stuffers for Your Favorite 2nd Amendment Nut!

christmas gun

It’s that time of year again: presents are getting wrapped, lights are going up, and mass shootings are at an all-time high! But don’t let that get you down, firearm enthusiasts. Here are six nifty gifts guaranteed to protect your Second Amendment rights and indirectly fund the continuing gun violence in our great country.

Remember, these are all actual items available at nrastore.com.

Firearms Record Book

firearms book.jpg

If you’re any half-decent marksman, chances are you have a hard time remember just how many weapons you own and how many bad guys you’ve shot. Keep track of your Constitutional defenses with this handy, leather-bound record book. $49.95

7.62 Keychain Bottle Opener

bullet bottle opener

The flash of the muzzle, the screams of your victims–oh God, it’s all coming back to you. What better way to clear away the guilt than with a cool six-pack, opened up with a keychain made from a military-grade cartridge? Nice try, memories. $16.95

Traveler’s Guide to the Firearm Laws of the 50 States

firearm law book

We know, most NRA diehards aren’t too big on “books” or “reading,” but this here is an exception. Featuring easy-to-read print and a portable design, this guide will let you know precisely where and how you can irresponsibly take justice into your own hands. $9.95

Door Stop Alarm

door stop alarm

Any day now, the government is going to burst into your home and try to take your guns. You can feel it in your bones. Get a jump on the bastards with this handy door alarm, whose “ear-piercing 120 decibel” screech will have you thinking, “This is what the Founding Fathers wanted.” $13.95

Minuteman Concealment Mantle Clock

gun clock

Ever think to yourself, “Gee, I like my clock, but I sure do wish it could carry a gun?” With this unique timepiece, your worries are at an end. It’s the mullet of clocks–all business in the front, and packing heat in the back. Plus, kids will hardly be able to keep their hands off it! $49.95

Daisy Model 1938 Red Ryder BB Gun Kit

bb gun

Do you have a special someone who loves both guns and the 1983 film A Christmas Story? Reward them with this authentic kit that completely ignores the ending of the movie, in which Ralphie does indeed shoot himself.

But you know whose eye won’t get shot out with this gun? Lady Liberty, that’s who! $39.95

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