Hey, sport! Yeah you, on the recliner over there, reading Wikipedia articles about medical oddities in the corner of a rowdy house party. Here’s some good news and some bad news, you lonesome sack of manure. The good news is that we’re busting you out of this godforsaken hellhole of a fun time. The bad news is that you’re in for something far, far more formidable.
It’s the ultimate test of physical and social stamina for people who dislike human interaction: the Introvert Tough Mudder! Do you have what it takes to make it all the way to the finish?
Here are just a few of the brutal obstacles that you’ll face throughout the grueling twelve mile course:
- The Buddy System – Climb up a slippery fifteen-foot wall that’s impossible to scale on your own. This challenge will require the bonding and cooperation of your fellow competitors, who will take things way too quickly and invite themselves over to your house next weekend.
- Excuse Me, Could You Spare a Moment for Pain? – Hope you remembered to pack your running shoes and lack of eye contact, because you’ll need it for our patented Clipboard Gauntlet. Sprint through a narrow trench while bombarded by pesty pseudo-activists who need subscribers for their newsletter and will only take up a minute of your time.
- Your Lowest Moment – Shimmy under barbed wire and slowly army crawl through a 100 yard tar pit while surround-sound speakers play back every awkward thing you’ve said in conversation, ranging from blundering compliments on a blind date to that time you accidentally made a racist joke in a job interview.
- Too Much Monkey Business – Make no mistake, this ain’t no playground. You’ll have to swing across a set of greased monkey bars while a ne’er-do-well cousin pleads with you from below to invest in his latest business venture. Try not to lose your grip, or else you’ll find yourself hitting the ground while getting in on the ground floor of a start-up that delivers backrubs.
- Hiya…Chief – Remember that high school classmate you bumped into at the store the other day, but couldn’t for the life of you recall the name of? Carry him across a bed of burning coals while listening attentively about his recent vacation to Cleveland!
- Ice to Meet You – Brrrr! Wade through a neck-high stream of icy water while a complete stranger clings to you for warmth and also because they’re a self described “hugger who won’t take no for an answer!”
- Drop Me A Line – Finally, get ready for a shocking finish of sprinting through a hundred yard grid of live electrical wires, each of which connects to the telephone of a distant elderly relative who’s been waiting for you to call every day for the past twenty-four years.
Registration forms can me mailed to the Introvert Tough Mudder headquarters, along with the $75 race fee, payable via a check from your supportive aunt who wants nothing more than for you “to break out of your shell and take the world by storm.”
For further questions, please call 555-MUDD to speak to a live representative, though we have a feeling that you won’t.
Dan Fitzpatrick 