Top 10 Bestselling Barnes & Noble Pieces of Shit

barnes and noble

Here at Barnes & Noble, we strive to meet all the needs of our loyal customers. Recently, we have gotten one question again and again, regarding the function of an essential store feature: the anti-theft scanners placed at every door. “Why would you worry about people stealing books,” they ask, “when anyone can get free, unlimited books at the library?”

The answer is quite simple. While we are America’s top book store, we aren’t exactly interested in selling books, not while gifts, toys, and snacks are more popular and profitable. In fact, we are so proud our knick-knack treasures that we compiled a list of our bestselling items guaranteed to let you buy your way to intellectual fulfillment. And away we go:

homer and aristotle

1. Homer and Aristotle Bookends

Whoa there, big reader! Before you start building your personal library, you’ll need something to hold up your books and to ensure that your study space properly reflects your advanced intellect . We recommend this set of bookends molded in the visages of Homer and Aristotle, two dead authors whom smart people often mention. Before long, these pieces will have your idiot visitors exclaiming, “It’s all Greek to me!”


2. A five dollar bookmark

You know what one of the hardest parts of reading is? Remembering where you left off! I once spent two years poring over Infinite Jest, only to realize I’d been reading the first page over and over the whole time. I really could have done with one of Barnes and Noble’s stylish bookmarks. At a mere five dollars apiece, our laminated bookmarks feature the young adult novel protagonist of your choice, and will keep your place far better than any old scrap of paper would.*

*(A regular piece of paper will actually jump from page to page when you’re not looking, so don’t even try it.)


3. A coffee-shaped Starbucks cookie

Any scholar worth his salt needs regular nourishment. With its unique design, this handy snack saves you from the difficult question, “Do I want food or drink?” Talk about a catch 22! Haha, a literary joke. We are having fun.


4. A movie poster (based on a book!)

Nothing helps generate enthusiasm for a book like a movie! We have an immense selection of movie posters perfect for home, office, and dorm use that will be sure to remind you and everybody else, “Hey, I know what happens in this book.”


5. A fucking Avengers doll

Children are annoying, and reading can be difficult. Why try to make them read a book when you can easily shut them up with this expensive superhero toy? Not only was this Avenger action figure inspired by a comic book, but it was also made by other children!


6-8. Three more Avengers dolls

Because having just one Avenger would limit your child’s creative potential.

fancy journal

9. A fancy-pants journal

You are a smart, serious person, and your smart thoughts deserve to be taken seriously. This leather-bound journal is ideal for being held on a public park bench while you thoughtfully stare at the sky. Its distinctive wrap-around tie prevents you from opening and closing your journal too quick for anyone to notice. Though specifically designed to capture your diarrhea of the mind, our journal pages can also be used as actual toilet paper in a pinch.

CAP Cover

10. An overpriced edition of Crime and Punishment

Oh yeah, a book! Crime and Punishment–it’s long, famous, and Russian, definitely a member of the great books oeuvre you desperately want to be seen with. The only thing is, you like the concept of reading Crime and Punishment way more than you actually like reading Crime and Punishment. You’re in luck. Our extra sparkly edition of the Dostoevsky classic is sure let your guests know that you own a complicated book, and you don’t care who knows it!


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