Whenever I pull a giant wad of tissues out of my pocket, I feel like the world’s lamest magician.
A lot of people think it’s gross to put a partly used tissue back in your pocket. Now I only do that with toilet paper.
Confederate vegans are nothing but lactose intolerant.
I found out I’m allergic to cats, but I don’t think it’s a huge problem–it’s just a food allergy. Plus, when the doctor ordered me to get rid of my cat, I told him that it was already taken care of. He had no other advice, so he couldn’t charge me the copay. I saved $30.