The Five S’s of Wine Tasting (for Douchebags)

Wine tasting can be a daunting task. All those strange words, fancy cups, weird flavors—it’s too much! But fear not, for we broke down everything you need to know into five easy steps. You’ll be acting like you’re better than everyone else in no time, just like a real sommelier!

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~1. Snort

Wine tasting is a lot like a night of romance—you need to pick the right orifice. Even the greenest novice knows wine is all about the nostrils, so go ahead and inhale a healthy dose. If you get a nosebleed, all the better. Tis no greater honor than to publicly suffer for your passion.

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~2. Slurp

As the other guests begin sipping their wine, make it clear that you are enjoying it far more than anyone else. Emit a series of gasping, guttural noises to demonstrate that you are fully analyzing the wine. Don’t be afraid of a little tongue action in the glass either, especially if it’s a French vintage.

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~3. Showboat

This is the part where you loudly announce what kinds of flavors you taste in the wine. You can use any kind of bullshit comparisons you like, though I recommend pairing together a food and some object you might find outside. For example, you could say you were picking up notes of “black cherry and granite,” or “grapefruit and oak” or “Skittles and cement.”

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~4. Spit

Don’t be shy, this is a regular practice at most tastings. When other people at your table interrupt your lecture with their own vastly inferior opinions, hock a big loogie in their faces. It’s best to spew equal parts saliva and righteous indignation, but not the actual wine itself. After all, isn’t the whole point to get wasted?

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~5. Sit (by yourself)

At this point, everyone else has fled the table, embarrassed by their complete lack of knowledge. Bask in your genius, and feel free to finish up the wine dregs left in other people’s glasses.