What Your Dialect Says About You


The New York Times recently released a test that pinpoints your hometown based on the way you talk. It’s a pretty cool feature, yet it neglects to go any deeper than where you are from. How about what that means? Luckily, The Danopticon is here to fill in the gaps and provide the ultimate linguistic-introspective analysis of 2014.

You call a sweet, carbonated drink:

a) Soda–This is the correct answer. Way to go, ordinary person!

b) Pop–Whoosh! Your time machine just arrived straight from the 1950s! Good luck adjusting to a world where segregation is illegal, Elvis is dead, and most people refrain from using slang from an episode of Scooby Doo.

c) Coke–Alright, you seem confused. Pepsi is a brand of soda. Pepsi is not Coke. Sprite is a brand of soda. Sprite doesn’t even taste like Coke. Coke is a brand of soda. Coke is Coke. See how you can’t use coke in every situation? No, I didn’t think so.

ű) Szóda–After you buy your beverage from a vendor in the charming streets of Debrecen, you settle down in one of your nation’s many hot springs for a refreshing dup.

When you want a sandwich with many meats and cheeses served on a long Italian roll, you order a:

a) Submarine–You make an effort to dedicate every meal to the feats of the U.S. Navy.

b) Hoagie–You are the illegitimate child of Vince Papale and a box of Tastykakes.

c) Hero–Psssh. If you want to see a real hero, watch Freedom Writers with Hilary Swank.

ű) Szendvics–Largely due to your personal incompetence, your nation has been able to complete its portion of the Gabcikovo-Nagymaros hydroelectric dam, but you can drown your insecurity with a heap of disznósajt on some freshly baked kenyér.

You refer to a small freshwater lobster often found in lakes and streams as a:

a) My ex-wife!–Haha, good one.

b) Crawdaddy–You make positively no effort to disprove Southern stereotypes.

c) Mud Bug–See above.

ű) folyami rák–Despite losing 71% of your territory after the Treaty of Trianon in 1920, your nation still has much nature and wildlife to offer.

If you answered mostly:

a) Well, you seem like a friendly and well-adjusted individual. But you’re not really looking what Trader Joe’s is looking for in an assistant manager right now. Can you let yourself out?

b) No, I do not want to buy a vacuum cleaner. Please stop calling me.

c) Can’t you see that we have no idea what we’re doing? We can’t keep playing games with people’s lives like this! (runs out of room, sobbing)

d) You did not read this article.

ű) You are Hungarian.


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