Be spontaneous. Girls love it when guys take the time to do something unexpected, which may be a good way to disguise your Tourette’s Syndrome.
Get her attention. In a public setting, like the mall or a church pancake breakfast, shout, “Hey sugar-tits!” from across the room. If she turns around to look at you, it’s clear that you’re on her mind. If she doesn’t respond, then she is probably too stuck up and immature to be in an adult relationship.
Don’t judge a book by its cover. She may not be supermodel skinny or have the usual number of fingers, but that doesn’t mean you should write her off. Instead, measure her worth by the size of her dowry. Get to know her father, and take meticulous notes on the amount of farmland and cattle he is willing to give you. If you play your cards right, someday you may even own enough property to vote.
See how she responds under pressure. Every relationship hits some rough waters after some smooth sailing, and oftentimes your nautical metaphors will not be enough to distract your significant other from the major issue at hand. It’s best to test our your woman’s problem solving ability before you get into a real pickle. Try calling her from a payphone and say that there’s a bomb in her house. If she starts freaking out, that’s a whole ball of crazy you do not want to get involved with.
Make sure she’s a girl. Don’t be shy when you begin spending time together. Go ahead, take a peek!
Keep your promises. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. For example, if you start writing a list that’s supposed to have seven items, then there damn well better be seven things there! You said there would be seven right in the title, and she will expect you to provide all seven, even if one of them is totally irrelevant to the theme of the larger piece and inserted before the end of the list to disguise the fact that it was written at the last minute.
Ask your other girlfriends. You wouldn’t call a plumber to treat your irritable bowel syndrome, would you? No way, Jose (that’s the name of my plumber). You would ask the experts! Your other girlfriends will know exactly what to look for and what steps to take in the dance of love. In the end, they may deem her acceptable and embrace their new sister-wife in your isolated Texas compound.
All of this could be yours.