Change New England’s Team Name from “Patriots” to “Clam Chowder”

Change New England’s Team Name from “Patriots” to “Clam Chowder”

Activists of the internet, assemble! I need your help to support this important cause. Please sign my petition on change.org through the attached link. Here’s the message behind our crusade:

These days, we hear a lot of talk about inappropriate NFL team names. The Washington Redskins are the focal point of this controversy, with “redskin” being a pejorative term for a Native American person. Many people argue that it should be changed to a less derogative moniker. In all likelihood, this change would result in a shift from a potentially offensive name to an average, satisfactory one. It could certainly be a victory. But is it the biggest victory we can attain?

If you’re like me, then you think that great is better than good. That’s why we need to focus on turning an average NFL team name into a legendary one. For this purpose, I’ve determined that the Patriots should change their name to “Clam Chowder,” thus fulfilling their destiny as the epic football organization of the New England Clam Chowder.

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not even a New England fan–but I could be. I could be if Tom Brady started throwing fourth quarter touchdown passes in a uniform featuring three different shades of off-white. I could be if Gillette Stadium replaced their fireworks with clouds of oyster crackers after each big win. I could be if the New England cheerleaders ran out onto the field every Sunday slathered in a delicious cream-based broth from head to toe.

For anyone worth their salt, New England Clam Chowder is in the top four soups. Chowder wins the hearts and minds of the people. Patriots waste perfectly good tea and stand in a straight line waiting to get shot. It’s not even a hard choice.

Do the right thing. Do it for the chowder.

Thanks for your help!