How to Make Your Own Cup O Noodles

Winter weather is upon us, and hungry college students everywhere are tramping out to the nearest dining hall or corner store for meager provisions. But why go through all that trouble when you can make a classic Cup O Noodles from scratch in the comfort of your own home?

You’ll need:

• a bag of rubber bands
• pencils
• your bed
• a portable space heater
• a copy of Argo, Best Picture winner at the 85th Academy Awards
• dust
• an old shoe

Here’s what you have to do:

1. You can’t have Cup O Noodles without noodles! Simply cut each of your rubber bands with a pair of dirty scissors, and put them to the side for later. (Note: If you’re looking for a more “al-dente” version, you can use those twisty things from the supermarket.)
2. The salty broth is the heart of the dish, and the secret behind it is that it’s pure human sweat. Get into your bed, turn on a space heater under the sheets, and pop in Argo, 2012’s pulse-pounding historical thriller that had critics and audiences raving! 120 minutes later, wring out your sweaty sheets into an old shoe.
3. Grab all your old pencils and tear the erasers off. These will be your “vegetables.” Feel free to give them some natural coloring with a fluorescent marker.
4. Add your noodles and vegetables to the sweat-filled shoe, and then you’re ready to bring the heat! To really bring the flavors out, I like to cook it slow over a rusty radiator for half an hour. Stir every seven minutes with your finger.
5. As the soup boils, scoop up all the dust on the floor and sprinkle it over the hot shoe. Season to taste.

You’re all ready to go! You’ll be surprised how much it looks and tastes like the real thing. Like, really surprised.