Tag Archives: movies

Donald Trump Tweets Reviews of Classic Christmas Movies

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‘Tis the season for unreason! For better or worse, our new President-Elect is not shy about sharing his opinions on Twitter, whether he’s bashing Alec Baldwin’s “sad” impression on SNL or recommending that flag-burners should go to jail. That’s all good and well, but what we Americans are really looking for are some solid recommendations for Christmas flicks. After all, this is very likely the last Christmas ever.

Accordingly, we at The Danopticon dug into the Trump Twitter vault to scrounge up some previously unpublished movie reviews. Will Trump fire your holiday favorite, or will he declare it to be the very best? Take a look:

It’s a Wonderful Life

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A Christmas Story

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Christmas Vacation

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The Santa Clause

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How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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Frosty the Snowman

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Thanks for reading, and have a bigly merry Christmas!

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JJ Abrams: All Special Effects in ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Done in MS Paint

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In a week that has already been chock-full of juicy tidbits about the upcoming ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens,’ director JJ Abrams just dropped another bomb on us, this time regarding the film’s special effects: they have all been designed with Microsoft Paint.

“I felt the overuse of CGI took a lot away from the prequel trilogy,” explained Abrams. “But we have recaptured and reinvented the tangible authenticity of the original films using MS Paint. And I think the results may surprise you.”

Let’s take a look at some exclusive new images below:

 

Trouble on Tatooine

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Above: Happy ever after? Heroes Finn (John Boyega) and Rey (Daisy Ridley) flee a deadly TIE Fighter attack. Fans of ‘Return of the Jedi’ will be overjoyed to see Mr. Flipper, a mischievous Ewok, joining them on their adventures. Abrams revealed, “Given that this film takes place in a new era of Star Wars history, we were looking for a slightly different look. In the end, no technique brought our world to life more than Paint, a simple art program most popular in the 1990s.”

Prepare for Take-Off!

Star Wars 2

Above: Ace pilot Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) prepares for battle along with the rest of his mighty fleet. As always, his sidekick Girl Yoda is ready to fly off and kick some Sith butt. Abrams’ special effects team put in over 300 hours into designing Girl Yoda’s dress and bow, so viewers new and old alike could clearly tell that she was just like the original Yoda, except also a girl.

Never Tell Me the Odds!

Star Wars 3

Above: With a ruined Star Destroyed in the background, new character Jeeku the Hutt runs for his life from an AT-ST and a UFO. Abrams commented, “Traditionally in the Star Wars canon, the Hutts are a race of giant, slug-like gangsters. But in our initial Paint design of Jeeku, he came out looking more like a centaur, so we just decided to roll with that.”

How excited are you for the new Star Wars special effects? Let us know in the comment section below!

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007 Borrows My Magic Bullet

James Bond

**MI6 Superspy James Bond strolls into my house, grabs my Magic Bullet**

Me: Uh, James?

Bond: So this is Q-Branch’s latest contraption, eh?

Me: That’s just my Magic Bullet.

Bond: A Magic Bullet to stop the Koreans? Seems like a long shot.

Me: Well, I mean, it’s basically just a mini blender.

Bond: Does it have an ejector seat?

Me: It can make salsa in like, four seconds.

Bond: Hmm. Should help me blend in.

Me: You’re not taking that with you, right?

Bond: I think I’ll give it a whirl.

Me: Please don’t break it.

Bond: I’ll use it for everything from purée to Z.

Me: You’re deflecting with puns.

Bond: Maybe I’m rough around the edges, but deep down I’m a smoothie.

Me: What?

**A belly-dancer assassin leaps out of the shadows. Bond smashes my Magic Bullet over her head**

Bond: I’m afraid you and I never did mix, Margarita.

Me: Her name-tag says, “Catherine.”

Bond: They need me back in London.

Me: You can’t just leave!

Bond: I have a mandatory sexual harassment workshop.

Me: How’d you get involved in that?

Bond: Let’s just say it lawsuits me.

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5 Superhero Movies Marvel Might As Well Be Making

Marvel

If you can name five superheroes, chances are that they each have their own movie already, or will in the near future. With this comic book deluge, however, Marvel is running out of champions to put up on the silver screen. To keep that cash cow milking out moolah for years to come, here are five original, hastily-thought-out heroes that you will probably end up paying to see:

Bee Boy: Six-year-old Brian Beasley used to be deathly afraid of bees, until he was stung by one! Realizing that it doesn’t hurt so bad after all, he now even thinks that bees are kind of neat, though not quite as cool as dinosaurs. Channeling the fear that once consumed him, Bee Boy can walk past even the most heavily hornet-infested swingset without bursting into tears!

Dr. Handsome: With dashing looks, immeasurable charm, and a cushy position as an anesthesiologist, Dr. Handsome is irresistible to all women in their 30’s who really really want to get married. Friend and foe alike shake in terror as their mothers question why they can’t be more like Dr. Handsome!

Rosetta Stone: Finally, a female superhero with smarts and independence! Big-brained Rosetta can speak every language in the world, at an elementary level. Sure, she may not be much in the way of combat, but her real strength is her ability to command and communicate with any human. Watch with awe as she asks where the library is on all six inhabited continents!

The Horrendous Hoagie: Contrived at 4AM to meet a last-minute studio deadline, this wise-cracking turkey sandwich is no picnic! Hoagie is not only a master of disguise, but he is also capable of shooting radioactive mayonnaise blasts. He is a great ally in a pinch, and his humor is as wry as he is rye. Just don’t try to eat him!

Purple Viking: Developed as a star vehicle for Adrian Peterson, this hero possesses superhuman strength, runs at lightning speed, and has a cool Nordic-themed costume. Oh, all those things have been done before, you say? Well, here’s the twist: he is invincible against children! No matter the odds, the Purple Viking can vanquish any malevolent minor who comes his way. Look out for a climactic showdown against Bee Boy with a shocking outcome that everyone saw coming.

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The Top 10 Jennifer Lawrences of 2013

2013 was truly the year of Jennifer Lawrence, America’s sweetheart. But which Jennifer Lawrence was the best Jennifer Lawrence? Was it Jennifer Lawrence? Read on to find out.

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10. Jennifer Lawrence, CA

Jennifer (pictured right) is among the top 8 dental hygienists in the Bay Area! But she also came in second-to-last place in a recent 5k run/walk. Try harder next time, Jennifer.

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9. Jennifer Lawrence, WA

Born and raised in China, she now runs one of the best dry cleaning services in Tacoma, but does she really expect us to believe that “Jennifer Lawrence” is her real name? She can’t even pronounce it correctly. You get an A for effort, but nobody likes a poser, Jennifer.

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8. Jennifer Hope Lawrence, MA

Back in 1654, Jennifer Lawrence was the hottest thing in Massachusetts Bay Colony, at least until she died from childbirth at age 18. She’s taken some time off to be dead for the past few hundred years, but rumors of a comeback have been circulating throughout the Puritan gossip tabloids.

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7. Pope Francis, Vatican City

This Argentinean dreamboat revolutionized the papacy in 2013 with a progressive attitude and strong interfaith dialogue. Unfortunately, his blatant misspelling of “Jennifer Lawrence”–his own chosen name!–keeps him from rising higher on this list.

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6. Jennifer Lawrence, IN

Unanimously voted the world’s coolest mom by the 4th grade class at Benjamin Harrison Grammar School, Jennifer Lawrence promotes loose bedtimes, keeps a cooler of Capri Sun in the back of her minivan, and has a pool and hottub in her already hella-cool backyard.

5. Jenn Lawrence, ON

One of the few real people on this list, Jenn Lawrence is a graphic designer from Toronto that I found on the Internet! She’s pretty good, despite not even using her full legal name, Jennifer Lawrence. She has her own website, but you didn’t hear it from me…

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4. Jennifer Lawrence, KY

This up-and-coming actress starred in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and American Hustle this past year. She  topped AskMen’s Top 99 Most Desirable Women of the Year and recently won an Oscar for her role in Silver Linings Playbook, launching her into this elite circle of Jennifer Lawrences.

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3. Frank DiPaolo in a wig, AKA Jennifer Lawrence, DE

When the sun sets and the streetlights come on, this 44-year-old roofing contractor takes Wilmington by storm. Although he models himself after the previous entrant in this list, he easily has twice her talent and charm.

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2. Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Pam Buchholz, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, and Jennifer Lawrence, MI

Imagine, an entire U14 soccer team where all the players are named Jennifer Lawrence! Those girls must have some spunk. Except for that lazy skank Pam Buccolhz, who can’t even make a decent pass downfield without tripping herself.

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1. Jennifer Lawrence, CO

Meet the future Empress of the Universe, people of Earth. Take some time to admire her already developing leadership prowess and charisma while your neural sensors are still set to free will and humanity is free from grueling labor in the zorgonite mines. I’m actually looking forward to when this little darling publicly disembowels me for political insurgency. Cheers, Jennifer.

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The White Protagonist of Every Racially Themed Sports Movie

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  • “I’ll tell ya, Jerry—the 1960s—what a time to be alive! I’m young, white, handsome, and the star of my team. We’re gonna have a big season this year. Our traditional, All-American town is counting on us.”
  • “What!? Look here, Coach, I ain’t playing with no (Negroes/Chinamen/Swiss)! They don’t belong with us white folk. They’re too (violent/dishonest/unwilling to share the secrets behind their luscious chocolates).”
  •  “You don’t like me? Yeah, well I don’t like you either, Willie!”
  • “Coach, I’ve been thinking about that speech you gave. Maybe you’re right. Maybe all we need to do is work together, and our differences won’t matter.”
  • “Yeah, I think you’re a pretty good player too, Willie. I have a feeling that our athletic experiences are about to intersect with larger social developments in a meaningful way.”
  • “ Hot dog, We can’t lose!”
  •  “Listen up, Mr. Restaurant Manager, you will not stop my racially diverse friends from using your restroom. It’s not about the color of your skin, because we’re all the same on the inside. And how do I know that? Because in that bathroom, the stuff that comes out from our insides is all the same colors, and that means something.”
  • “I think we have brought the entire community together just in time for the big game.”
  • “I…I don’t know how to say this to you fellas, but I can’t play in the championships tomorrow. The doctor says I’m paralyzed from the scalp up.”
  • “You’re right, wise black groundskeeper. I’ve come too far to let my team down. You can go back to mowing the grass now.”
  • “That was a rough first half, guys. Just remember—friendship first, and winning second.”
  • “Willie, you just made an improbable play, and we won! Racism is dead.”
  • “I’m an old man now, and the past fifty years of my life are presumably unimportant. But boy oh boy, was that championship season something. It was so great that I’ve apparently accomplished nothing ever since.”
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