You may already be the king or queen of the bedroom, but do you reign supreme in the most important room of the house? Nobody wants to fall into a rut, especially when that rut is your toilet bowl. But never fear, since you can apply many of the same sex secrets to your bathroom to provide a supernatural reply to the call of nature.
The following are all actual romance tips from the internet, reappropriated for our purposes:
1. “Try it in the shower”: One of those classic tips that many of you have been following for years. Though based on your specific bathroom needs, you may want to remove the grate from the drain first.
2. “Take some pictures”: A picture is worth a thousand words. The next time somebody asks you, “What took you so long in there,” just flash some photographic evidence, and they’ll quit nagging. Also a great way to settle bets.
3. “Role-play”: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go to the bathroom as a French maid, or maybe a medieval dungeon master? Because it’s probably exactly the same. While not the most exciting option, it will at least hold up the old adage, “Everybody poops.”
4. “Keep Your Clothes On”: Having never relieved myself without getting completely undressed beforehand, I can see how this would save a lot of time.
5. “Have a Seafood Feast”: Shellfish and sea creatures are rumored aphrodisiacs, but they’re also great for stimulating a bowel movement. Try eating them raw and rotten for an extra burst of excitement!
6. “Bring a new partner into the mix”: Invite your pal John to the john! Nothing better than a little company and some help wiping. After all, Elvis Presley died while he was in the bathroom–alone. Are you willing to have the blood of the King on your hands, or just his stool?