Every Fourth of July, we proudly honor the courage and ideals of the great men that established these United States of America. But while their bravery is forever, their beauty may only be on the inside. Is your national hero a patriot, or just a patry-ICK? We snapped some candid shots of the boys to give you informed Americans the inside scoop.
George Washington
I cannot tell a lie–our first President could use some major work! Forget about the cherry tree, he needs to chop down those jowls. And Georgie, just because you’re only on the one dollar bill doesn’t mean you can’t buy some real teeth, honey!
James Madison
Smooth, sleek, refined. Some pleasures just never wear off, and J-Mads is one of them. He may already be the Father of the Constitution, but he still wants to be your daddy. No matter what size your state is; The Great Compromiser will impress you all the same.
John Adams
Ouch! Even when they try to get John all dolled up for the big screen, he turns out as Paul Giamatti. It’s only fitting for the guy who passed the Alien and Sedition Acts to look like Alf with a neckerchief.
Samuel Adams
With or without some cosmetic magic, Sam was always the looker in the family. In fact, he looks even more youthful and vibrant in the au naturel photo, giving further proof to the theory that beer is the cure for every ailment. And for that, he’s the greatest American of them all.
Thomas Jefferson
We’ve got ol’ TJ sporting a feisty red ‘do over on the left, but does the carpet match the drapes? Apparently not, since his hair is white as snow in the unaltered shot on the right. Also, he should have sent Lewis and Clark to explore some new hair styles, because bangs are not his look.
Betsy Ross
Gotta give some credit to the ladies, y’all. We all know the story behind the creation of the American Flag–Washington personally handpicked Betsy Ross because she was the hottest babe in all of Philly. Even without the fancy power and wig, she is a true beauty with a rad bod. It’s like they always say–E pluribus unum, meaning “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
Alexander Hamilton
No matter what state he’s in, Hamilton is a big old hunk of handsome that you can take to the bank! The cameras just can’t stop shooting this guy. Unfortunately, neither can Aaron Burr.
Paul Revere
No need to add a second picture here. Evidently, Paul Revere is just Jack Black. It’s been a refreshing career change for a guy whose biggest claim to fame was riding a horse for a few hours.
Benjamin Franklin
Acclaimed statesman, diplomat, writer, scientist–he must have had a great personality. Big Ben’s not a catch in the looks department by any stretch, but he did (supposedly) die of syphilis, so he must have had something going on for at least one gal. Too bad for him, lightning doesn’t often strike twice!
The Danopticon 