“Speak, Fido!” If only communicating with man’s best friend were that easy. Fortunately, a crack team of scientists and from Yale University has assembled to decode the doggy dialect for our benefit. As expected, their findings have resulted in some shocking translations. So here’s what your pooch really means when it is:
Wagging its tail:
You’re at the park with your young daughter, and she’s delighted about a “friendly” puppy running up to her and wagging its tail. Bad news. That dog is basically waving its middle finger. It’s given you no choice–you basically have to kick the ass of that son of a bitch. Here’s a hard truth straight from the horse’s mouth: no dog is allowed to flip the bird, or else I will have a cow.
Chewing up furniture:
Dogs are renowned for their keen sense of smell, so if your mutt is tearing up your possessions, it is no coincidence. Chances are, there’s a hidden treasure somewhere in your home! Might as well help out and rip apart every floorboard and cushion in your home, all of which will be quadruply paid for once you’ve located Black Bart’s lost gold somewhere around your futon.
Growling and bearing its teeth:
Judging by its snarled grimace and gravely voice, your pooch is doing a fantastic impression of singer-songwriter Tom Waits. My advice is to lock yourself in a small room with that animal and tape a pork pie hat to its head, because in the morning, you’re likely to come out of it with a gold record.
Shouting, “Please untie me! Can’t you see I’m human!?”:
Your dog is in the midst of an existential crisis. It can be sad to see your best pal in such a confused state, but sometimes the best option is tough love. If muzzling him doesn’t calm his angst, it may be best to purchase a take-home neutering kit.
The Danopticon 