1. If you need a gift for a child’s birthday party, just give them a paper towel roll and say it’s a telescope. How about a box full of telescopes, cool uncle? Or should I call you favorite uncle?
2. Hungry for fresh produce? Chances are that one of your neighbors has a vegetable garden, and there’s not even decently sized fence around it. Be in charge of your own destiny!
3. If you’re a heavy sleeper, don’t rely on a stupid alarm clock. Get a baby–you can make one yourself or just scout for unsuspecting parents at the mall!
4. Clothes never want to stay on their hangers. Why not just nail them to the wall? They’ll never fall off again, and it will send a firm message to the other rebellious garments.
5. Have lots of empty tin cans? Just glue the tops back on and donate them to your local food kitchen. Your neighbors will be impressed when they think they see how generous you are.
6. Is your kitchen filthy? Just have your maid clean it up, dummy!
7. If your sneakers get wet in the rain, just stuff them with newspaper and they will dry overnight. This is actually really helpful.
8. Having a weight issue? Try vomiting after every meal, and drop the pounds fast. All of your friends will be dazzled when they learn your secret.
9. Are the robo-Prussians dropping sulfionic bombs around your oxygenated ecosphere? Just turn your lights off and shut the curtains, and they won’t even know you’re there. [publisher’s note: don’t publish this one until after the start of World War III]
10. If your spouse or parents is angry because you forgot their birthday, just drive your car into tree. They’ll see that their birthday wasn’t so important after all.
11. Food sticking to all your pots and pans? They sell this now. You know, like in a store.
12. Pick your nose. The finger is God’s greatest gift to humanity, so don’t hide it under a bushel basket. But don’t throw that bushel basket away, since you’ll need to wipe your finger on something.