Tag Archives: school

Disappointing Field Trip Destinations

Bored-kids

The Museum of Plaques

Yellowstone National Parking Lot

Meet and Greet with Your Local State Farm Representative

Aquarium of Microscopic Organisms

(Discarded Chunks of) Mount Rushmore

Colonial Williams-Sonoma

Taxidermy Petting Zoo

National Gallery of Drying Paint

Symphony Hall and Oates

Two Months Before the Battle of Gettysburg Reenactment

Hall of Presidents Pro Tempore

Beige Factory

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The Top 5 SAT Myths, as Debunked by a Real-Life Harvard Genius

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Okay folks, let’s face one thing up front: I am an intellectual marvel. Wherever I go, I’m the smartest guy in the room, and I announce this very fact whenever I enter a room. And does anyone challenge me? No, the other people just stare at me as if they have no idea what’s going on. Idiots.

I can’t teach you how to be like me, but I can help you set yourself apart from the drooling masses. With the right SAT scores, you too can find yourself in an esteemed institution of higher learning. You forget about these common SAT myths, and soon you will be able to fulfill your dreams of joining a kinky secret society founded by a U.S. President, or devouring handfuls of fresh ivy leaves straight from the wall (that’s right, it’s edible).

Myth #1: If you smear chapstick on your Scantron sheet, the machine will read all your answers as correct.

Sadly, this trick is a dead end, and I have witnessed far too many desperate students throwing their college careers away with this technique. If chapstick ever worked, test makers have since pioneered a way to stop it. Instead, lather your answer sheet with Pace® Extra Chunky Chipotle Salsa. Not only will you get a perfect score, but you’ll also be ready for a fiesta loca! Pace®—Grab the Southwest by the Bottle.

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 Myth #2: You get 200 points just for spelling your name correctly.

This may or may not be true, but 200 points will only get you so far. What if I said you could get an even higher bonus? Here’s the key: instead of penciling in your own name in the little bubbles, write in “David Coleman.” He is not only the president and CEO of the SAT’s College Board, but also an ancient pagan blood deity who demands constant tribute. Praising his dark name will earn you 666 additional points, and who can turn down that offer? Ave, Coleman, morituri te salutamas.

Myth #3: There is a third SAT myth.

There is no third SAT myth. Few things in life are true, and there are no fairy tales. Grow up.

Myth #4: Once you’re in college, everyone will be comparing their SAT scores.

This is one of the more irrational stories I hear from prospective collegians. Luckily, it’s all baloney. No one will be comparing their scores to yours, as all universities in the United States are legally obligated to segregate their student bodies by levels of intelligence. Don’t worry about some 2400 hotshot putting you in your place; the wall between you will be twelve feet high and covered in razor wire.

Myth #5: Your SAT score alone determines where you get into college.

No way, it’s just one number! What you put down on paper will never make or break you. Rather, it’s what you slip in between the pages that counts. Most people settle with large wads of cash. This is a good start, but often not enough for the avaricious SAT graders. I would recommend including something more substantial, like the deed to your house. And if your parents are concerned about being homeless? Maybe they should have thought about buying multiple houses if they ever expected to send their kids to college.

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Stupid Things I’ve Learned: Teach Vs. Learn

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If grammar mistakes were war crimes, then teenagers would be responsible for the My Lai Massacre. No one on Earth needs instruction on proper word usage as much as these middle schoolers, who get thrown off whenever they think about including a word with an apostrophe.

Still, one of the most useless classroom lessons I have ever sat through was an exercise differentiating between the words “teach” and “learn.” The two words may be similar, but in essence they do mean opposite things. The real issue with the lesson, however, I have never heard anyone mix up those words. Sure, a lot of people struggle just to express a coherent thought, but that does not mean that they go around talking like characters in a Huck Finn novel.

“If I hain’t learned yer nothing more, Jim, least you’ll know how ta catch a catfish from a hilltop.”-Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn, in a quotation that I probably made up.

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And if we do talk like that, it probably means that we use the n-word too much. Good luck trying to get that in the curriculum.*

*This joke does not apply in the state of Alabama, as it is too real.

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Learning Good, With Jesus!: The Cafeteria

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By Dan Fitzpatrick

Learning Good, with Jesus!” is a recurring feature examining the author’s extensive (K-12) Catholic education. Each post focuses on a single aspect of the greater experience and is based off of general impressions rather than specific occurrences. The purpose of this writing is not to criticize, but to entertain, so please be forgiving toward potentially offensive material. After all, it is the Christian thing to do.

The Cafeteria

While fasting may be the express lane to holiness, even the most pious schoolchildren need corporal sustenance every now and then. Indoctrination sure works up an appetite. That is where the cafeteria comes in—giving the wee martyrs-to-be a chance to feed without falling prey to the temptation of gluttony.

The main focus in the Catholic school cafeteria is the prayer, something valued far more than the meal itself. In fact, no eating may commence until the students recite the full verse of “Bless Us O Lord,” unless an individual wants to receive multiple detentions for such a blatant display of disrespect. Additionally, the lunchroom Inquisitor General, often an older woman reeking of formaldehyde and peppermints, will not start the prayer until the cafeteria is completely silent for an indefinite amount of time, perhaps a minute for every cat she owns.

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“The sun has set. You may now eat your tater tots.”

Following the prayer, the entire room turns its attention to a live telecast from the rooftops of the Vatican. Eventually a white plume of smoke will emerge from a chimney, signaling that, after considerable deliberation, the College of Cardinals has decided to begin the meal. The students then file up to the lunch counter to share in the bounty of the Lord’s harvest. The food arrives in meager portions of watery fruit drink and ground beef heart hamburgers—enough to keep you alive, but not enough to give you the strength to flee. Bon appetit, but stay in your seats.

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Above: The average lunch, divided among 5,000 students.

In the vileness of the cuisine, however, there lies a lesson. The comforts of gourmet cooking cannot make you a more moral person, and therefore can only lead you down the path of evil. Best not enjoy yourself at all; it is safer that way.

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You can’t get a body like that on the Krispy Kreme diet.

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