A Father’s Day Card to Abraham from Isaac

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Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day! You’re the best. I really wanted to thank you for not murdering me this year. For a few minutes there it looked like you were actually gonna go through with it, but it was really cool that you pulled back at the last second. I’m so grateful that I literally think about it all the time.

I just wish you didn’t try the whole filicide charade while we were hiking. Don’t you remember how much I used to love hiking? It was my world. Now I can’t step outside without instantly soiling my robes. Maybe next time you can almost kill me when I’m doing something I hate, like my math homework haha.

But for real, you destroyed my only passion in life.

Tell God I say hello next time you see him. It’s pretty amazing how close you guys have gotten, you being a simple nomad and him being a vengeful spirit living in the sky. You know what would rock? Next time he commands you to sacrifice me, loop me into the conversation. The three of us can kick around some other ideas, maybe go ziplining together instead?

Anywho, I know you’re like way over 100 years old, so feel free to die if you want to. You might be holding on so you can take care of me and mom, but we are a-okay. It’s totally cool if you wanna peace out. No biggie.

Just make sure God doesn’t resurrect you, LOL. (He can’t do that, can he?)

Love,

Isaac (your only son!)

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