If you’re anything like me, you’ve faced countless instances of public embarrassment and mob violence due to your mundane napkin presentation. But that streak ends now! We at The Danopticon have developed five easy-but-elegant ways to fold dinner napkins, so your finicky guests will never humiliate you in front of your family ever again!
1. The Plain Jane
While the Plain Jane isn’t likely to get asked out to prom, you know she’s sure to land a steady job and support herself all by her lonesome. For this style, just fold the napkin in half so the edges meet, press down for a functional crease, and buy a couple of cats to help pass the time.
2. The Ralph Nader
Here in the 21st century, it’s all about sustainability. Honor environmental hero Ralph Nader by recycling your light to moderately used napkins! After folding the napkin in half, place the more heavily soiled side facedown. Looks fresh to me!
Perfect for outdoor cuisine, Petra offers an organic solution with a masculine edge. With every gust of wind that passes by, all of your guests will be shouting, “Nice try, wind, but this is my napkin!” to nobody in particular.
Note: Do not use Petra if one of your guests is a known adulterer, as the dinner party may end in stoning.
4. The Magna Carta
The Magna Carta combines the simple pleasures of antiquing and wiping your face. First, obtain some old parchment, perhaps from a local historical document or from a page of your family bible. Next, singe the edges of said priceless paper, so it looks like it was rescued from the burning of some fabled Spanish galleon.
5. The Marlon Brando
So maybe sometimes I run out of real napkins, and just end up using an old undershirt. What, do you think you’re better than me?