Is America Ready for a Female President Without a Face?

In our nation’s storied history, there have been 43 different people to hold the office of President of the United States. That’s quite a few. Yet, if you were to study each of their portraits, what would you notice? What singular feature seemingly defines this sacred position?

That’s right—every President ever has had a face.

In fact, Nixon had two of them.

In fact, Nixon had two of them.

It is nothing less than disturbing. What is it about having functional eyes, mouth, and nose that supposedly “qualifies” someone to hold office? Maybe it makes a candidate more conventionally attractive, but this fascist facism is really just holding us back.

Imagine, if you will, that our current commander-in-chief had all the best qualifications: a rich education, military service, and a solid track record across multiple stints in Congress. But here’s the catch. She also just happens to be a woman who, instead of a face, possesses a blank canvas of pale, unmoving flesh on the front of her skull. I see no problem there.

Faceless Hillary

Would her inability to make eye contact or speak beyond a series of muffled groans really affect her capacity to deal with foreign dignitaries or inspire the American people? No open-minded adult should mind that her pronunciation of “America” sounds like “mmm-mmm-MMM!” We’ve all heard Boston accents before.

Could you bear to watch her kiss babies at public events, rubbing the ice-cold skin of her featureless mandible against a bawling infant? Sounds pretty darn adorable to me. Would you be startled by the black, syrupy residue that congealed on her face after physical contact? If so, it’s time for a reality check.

Would it be really so disturbing if we never saw her eat in public, but rather she would retreat to the cellar twice a day with a live chicken, only to emerge hours later, completely naked and covered in blood? I say, “Save a drumstick for me, Madam President!”

We Americans simply have to drop our complacency with historical precedent and consider the merits of a different kind of leader. There would be undeniable advantages in having an American leader whose visage resembles a smooth chunk of challah bread. I doubt that the South would have had the guts to secede from a faceless Lincoln, or that a missile-mad Khrushchev would have entered a staring contest with a JFK who could not blink.

Unfortunately, every potential candidate in the 2016 race thus far fits the facist mold, though Chris Christie’s drooping jowls may be a step in the right direction. Nevertheless, I implore American voters to follow their noses toward a leader who doesn’t have one.

God bless mmm-mmm-MMM!

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