Category Archives: Politics

Donald Trump Tweets Reviews of Classic Christmas Movies

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‘Tis the season for unreason! For better or worse, our new President-Elect is not shy about sharing his opinions on Twitter, whether he’s bashing Alec Baldwin’s “sad” impression on SNL or recommending that flag-burners should go to jail. That’s all good and well, but what we Americans are really looking for are some solid recommendations for Christmas flicks. After all, this is very likely the last Christmas ever.

Accordingly, we at The Danopticon dug into the Trump Twitter vault to scrounge up some previously unpublished movie reviews. Will Trump fire your holiday favorite, or will he declare it to be the very best? Take a look:

It’s a Wonderful Life

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A Christmas Story

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Christmas Vacation

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The Santa Clause

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How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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Frosty the Snowman

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Thanks for reading, and have a bigly merry Christmas!

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The Lonely Kid’s Guide to a Donald Trump-Themed Birthday

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Jesus, look at you. It’s your tenth birthday party, and nobody even showed up. I remember when I turned ten. It was great! We all rode speedboats, and my dad got me twenty minutes with a high-end prostitute. But you, you’re just sad.

Who knows why your party blows? Maybe your parents are idiots, or you’re just a plain old loser. Luckily, it doesn’t have to be that way. With my party planning tips, you’ll never have to worry about being ignored on your birthday again.

1) Like any other investment, this party is gonna require some capital upfront. Simply ask your father for a small loan of one million dollars. This will allow you to cover all the expenses for the filet mignons, string quartet, and Prada goodie bags, while still having enough left over to give yourself a modest six-figure bonus.

 

2) I’ve never thrown a party without a piñata. It combines two of my favorite pastimes: beating animals with a stick, and watching poor people pick up food off the ground. To save a few bucks on your budget, just run into the party store and grab whichever piñata you like. Let the Mexicans pay for it.

 

3) Put flyers with my face all over town. Once you’ve attached the Donald to your party, turnout won’t be an issue. In fact, it will almost be like you’re having two parties at once. One will be with all your loyal, hard-working American friends, and the other will be filled with of jealous nincompoops who only showed up because they have nothing better to do. As long as each guest meets the three-gift minimum, let them all in.

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I’ve got a talent for bringing people together. I really do.

4) No matter how balls-to-the-wall awesome a party is going, it will reach a certain point where guests start to wonder, “Does the birthday boy have a big penis? I’m not sure I want to stay any longer if he doesn’t have a big penis.” To ease their minds, carry around a birthday candle while assuring guests that it’s actually a full-size candle. I’ll make your hands look yuuuuuge, everyone’ll know your schlong is worth sticking around for.

 

5) So the party went perfect, but now you’ve got to deal with the pain of the cleanup. Are those stains on the sofa from red wine or blood? Honestly, it’s not worth finding out. Save yourself the hassle by declaring bankruptcy on your home. It’s a totally legal business maneuver where you take your problems and throw them far, far away. When the other kids are blowing out their birthday candles in the months to come, they’ll all be wishing they could be as good of a dealmaker as you.

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Ted Cruz Tries to Spin His Sex Scandal

U.S. Senator Cruz speaks to members of the Texas Federation of Republican Women in San Antonio, Texas

Hello again, America. Although my mission to become the next Republican President is going peachy keen, I’m afraid I have some disturbing news to share with y’all. It happened last night, during my twenty minutes of allotted computer time. As you know, due to strict parental controls, there are only three websites available in the Cruz household: Fox News, Christian Mingle, and Neopets.com. However, I somehow stumbled upon a forbidden website, where people were writing the most terrible things. Worst of all were the claims that I cheated on my beautiful wife Heidi with five different women.

I have no doubt that these defamations have come from nowhere else than the mouth of Donald Trump. It was a tricky play, taking my largest strength—my sensuality—and using it against me. But no matter how much Donald fears that I will seduce all the women in his life, I feel it is time to come clean about this whole mess.

Of course, I do not have five mistresses. I do, however, have fifty mistresses. That’s right, I didn’t stutter. I said Ted Cruz has no fewer than half a hundred paramours, all of whom he makes sweet, sticky love to on a daily basis.

What are the dirty details, you ask? Well, we usually rendezvous in this little place you might have heard of, called the United States of America. Sometimes I meet up with Montana up North and do it under the stars. I’m known to enthrall Maryland with my rocket’s red glare. And let’s not forget how much Mississippi digs those whips and chains.

I-da-ho? No sir, I-da-passionate-lover. Heidi doesn’t mind either; oftentimes she even joins in the fun! You see, America has been my booty call all along. I’ve done them all. Except for Washington, which was named after a dude. Gross.

So as American voters continue to flock to the polls, please do not think of me as a cheap floozy or moralistic hypocrite. Most of all, please do not talk to Carol at the El Paso PetSmart. We two have never met, and she never knows when to keep her big mouth shut.

Instead, ask any of the states about me, and they will tell you about my gentle, caring touch. Just let me have the Oval Office. It won’t hurt, I promise. At this crucial juncture, our country needs a leader who can deliver a gratifying smack both to a set of buttocks and to the illegals crossing our southern border. A leader trained in the art of the lover’s caress as well as the art of job creation. A leader who will not try to take away your guns, but may try to give you a little smooch with the world’s smallest set of lips.

That leader is me. As soon as I’m elected, you’ll already be begging me for a second term. They always do.

I’m Ted Cruz, and I’m coming soon to a bedroom near you.

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I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character!

http://www.nationalmemo.com/i-finally-watched-the-first-debate-and-boy-am-i-excited-about-this-rand-paul-character/

Hi all!

As you may have noticed from my publications page, I recently starting writing for political news site The National Memo. Yesterday, I published a fun satire piece called, “I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character,” which mocks a lot of the awful predictions pundits were throwing out earlier this election cycle.

As a bonus, check out the comments section, featuring the valuable insights of several readers who didn’t get the joke!

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Does the 1% Dare to Spend a Night in Count Bernardo Sanders’ House of Horrors!?

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Wanna hear a scary story? We live in a country where the top one-tenth of the 1% has almost as much wealth as the bottom 90%. Making matters worse, the children of the ultra-rich are poised to inherit all of their parents’ money. We simply cannot allow this process to continue, unless those kids manage to stay in a spooky mansion for a whole night.

You know the deal, Trump Jr. Make it till dawn in the haunted house without running off or winding up dead, and you win the family jewels. Otherwise, you walk away with jack squat.

Trust me, this is the only solution. I did the math; I did the monster math. That’s why I built Count Bernardo’s House of Horrors. It’s the one reform measure guaranteed to give everyone a fair shake and make your hair stand on end. And I should know a thing or two about that—just ask my barber!

Sure, maybe this sounds like a cinch at first. But just wait until you’re shacked up with cobwebbed candelabras, eerie organ music, and a bunch of portraits whose eyes move all by themselves! There will also be tons of hidden trapdoors, symbolic of the countless pitfalls braved by the middle class every day. But they’ll be literal trapdoors too, probably leading to the cellar or something. You get the idea.

If you’re really unlucky, a gaggle of ghastly ghouls will pop out from the woodwork and bury you alive. In college debt, that is. Frightened yet?

Even if those trust fund brats aren’t rattled by all the spooks and scares, let’s see how they handle the lack of sleep! If it was me, I would just drink a little bit of nighttime cold medicine before bedtime. Knocks you right out! However, this mansion only has dusty goblets filled with a red goo that makes you see apparitions of Ronald Reagan and deny the existence of climate change.

Of course, other candidates may propose similar plans, except they’re all in cahoots with Wall Street bankers. Secretary Clinton, for example, just opened up Killary’s Clin-tomb’s Night of Frights. Sure, it’s got plenty of CGI effects, celebrity cameos, and a full raw bar, but it’s also financed completely by Goldman-Sachs. My haunted house, on the other hand, was funded by handfuls of loose change from everyday voters, just like you. It’s amazing what you can do with an old tool shed and a few strips of paper mâché.

Anyway, I better hit the road. I’ve got to catch a bus back to Montpelier. Our local joke shop is having a sale on vampire fangs. If I don’t get them by tomorrow, they’ll become possessed—by a bloated hedge fund!

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When the GOP and Science Work Together

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Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina both dropped out today, proving Galileo’s theory that heavy and light objects fall at the same speed.

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Is America Ready for a Female President Without a Face?

In our nation’s storied history, there have been 43 different people to hold the office of President of the United States. That’s quite a few. Yet, if you were to study each of their portraits, what would you notice? What singular feature seemingly defines this sacred position?

That’s right—every President ever has had a face.

In fact, Nixon had two of them.

In fact, Nixon had two of them.

It is nothing less than disturbing. What is it about having functional eyes, mouth, and nose that supposedly “qualifies” someone to hold office? Maybe it makes a candidate more conventionally attractive, but this fascist facism is really just holding us back.

Imagine, if you will, that our current commander-in-chief had all the best qualifications: a rich education, military service, and a solid track record across multiple stints in Congress. But here’s the catch. She also just happens to be a woman who, instead of a face, possesses a blank canvas of pale, unmoving flesh on the front of her skull. I see no problem there.

Faceless Hillary

Would her inability to make eye contact or speak beyond a series of muffled groans really affect her capacity to deal with foreign dignitaries or inspire the American people? No open-minded adult should mind that her pronunciation of “America” sounds like “mmm-mmm-MMM!” We’ve all heard Boston accents before.

Could you bear to watch her kiss babies at public events, rubbing the ice-cold skin of her featureless mandible against a bawling infant? Sounds pretty darn adorable to me. Would you be startled by the black, syrupy residue that congealed on her face after physical contact? If so, it’s time for a reality check.

Would it be really so disturbing if we never saw her eat in public, but rather she would retreat to the cellar twice a day with a live chicken, only to emerge hours later, completely naked and covered in blood? I say, “Save a drumstick for me, Madam President!”

We Americans simply have to drop our complacency with historical precedent and consider the merits of a different kind of leader. There would be undeniable advantages in having an American leader whose visage resembles a smooth chunk of challah bread. I doubt that the South would have had the guts to secede from a faceless Lincoln, or that a missile-mad Khrushchev would have entered a staring contest with a JFK who could not blink.

Unfortunately, every potential candidate in the 2016 race thus far fits the facist mold, though Chris Christie’s drooping jowls may be a step in the right direction. Nevertheless, I implore American voters to follow their noses toward a leader who doesn’t have one.

God bless mmm-mmm-MMM!

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