Fox NFL Robot Accused of Child Abuse

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In a year already plagued by countless instances of child abuse at the hands of NFL players, things have gotten a whole lot worse. The latest scandal involves none other than Cleatus the Robot, best known as the mascot of Fox’s football coverage, beating his own child live on air.

Recorded footage shows Cleatus grabbing an advertising graphic for Burger King and striking his son several times with it. He then proceeded to do a touchdown victory dance while his son, a small iPhone 6s, sobbed in the background.

No one has seen Cleatus in person since the incident. Legal experts speculate that this could either be because Cleatus is in hiding until the backlash subsides, or because he is a giant fictional robot.

Based on similar cases in the past, the accused faced little to no professional repercussions. When asked if the NFL would issue any fine or suspension against Cleatus, a dispirited Roger Goodell quipped, “There is no God, and everything is permissible.”

Although Cleatus himself has yet to respond to these developments, Fox has released the following statement on his behalf: “Don’t forget to tune back in for Fox football coverage next week, starting at Sunday at 1pm ET!”

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