Do Americans Know the Real Pope Francis?

Pope

Pope Francis makes his first ever visit to the United States this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia. Many herald him as a new progressive force in Catholic leadership, though some conservatives bristle at some of his more untraditional viewpoints. But who is the real Pope Francis? Here are all the facts we Americans need to know:

Birth name: Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

Papal name inspriation: Coen brothers’ favorite Frances McDormand.

Height: Between 5′ 9″ and 6′ 11″, depending on silliness of hat.

Hometown: Buenos Aires, Argentina.

What most Americans think his favorite food is: I dunno, tacos or something?

Why he became a priest: Joined the Jesuit Order as a young man, believing it to be a college fraternity.

What sets him apart from previous pontiffs: He’s still got that new pope smell!

Number of Twitter followers: Somehow five million fewer than Ricky Martin.

His plan to reverse climate change: Get a free annulment for every tree you plant!

Most dangerous part of his American visit: If the pope comes in contact with an antipope, the chemical reaction could destroy the universe.

His central message to the United States: Don’t expect any divine words of wisdom since popes, like Pokemon, are only capable of saying their own names.

Odds of returning home with plastic statuettes of the Empire State Building, White House, and Liberty Bell: Very high.

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