Tag Archives: birthday

The Lonely Kid’s Guide to a Donald Trump-Themed Birthday


Jesus, look at you. It’s your tenth birthday party, and nobody even showed up. I remember when I turned ten. It was great! We all rode speedboats, and my dad got me twenty minutes with a high-end prostitute. But you, you’re just sad.

Who knows why your party blows? Maybe your parents are idiots, or you’re just a plain old loser. Luckily, it doesn’t have to be that way. With my party planning tips, you’ll never have to worry about being ignored on your birthday again.

1) Like any other investment, this party is gonna require some capital upfront. Simply ask your father for a small loan of one million dollars. This will allow you to cover all the expenses for the filet mignons, string quartet, and Prada goodie bags, while still having enough left over to give yourself a modest six-figure bonus.


2) I’ve never thrown a party without a piñata. It combines two of my favorite pastimes: beating animals with a stick, and watching poor people pick up food off the ground. To save a few bucks on your budget, just run into the party store and grab whichever piñata you like. Let the Mexicans pay for it.


3) Put flyers with my face all over town. Once you’ve attached the Donald to your party, turnout won’t be an issue. In fact, it will almost be like you’re having two parties at once. One will be with all your loyal, hard-working American friends, and the other will be filled with of jealous nincompoops who only showed up because they have nothing better to do. As long as each guest meets the three-gift minimum, let them all in.


I’ve got a talent for bringing people together. I really do.

4) No matter how balls-to-the-wall awesome a party is going, it will reach a certain point where guests start to wonder, “Does the birthday boy have a big penis? I’m not sure I want to stay any longer if he doesn’t have a big penis.” To ease their minds, carry around a birthday candle while assuring guests that it’s actually a full-size candle. I’ll make your hands look yuuuuuge, everyone’ll know your schlong is worth sticking around for.


5) So the party went perfect, but now you’ve got to deal with the pain of the cleanup. Are those stains on the sofa from red wine or blood? Honestly, it’s not worth finding out. Save yourself the hassle by declaring bankruptcy on your home. It’s a totally legal business maneuver where you take your problems and throw them far, far away. When the other kids are blowing out their birthday candles in the months to come, they’ll all be wishing they could be as good of a dealmaker as you.

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A different kind of 4/20

April 4th is a day of celebration for the stoners, and one of fear for the squares, but it’s always had a confusing meaning for me. 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday and my half-birthday, so I’m not sure if that makes me the anti-Hitler, or just half the man he used to be.

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A Special Birthday Request

Dear friends and family,

On this eve of my birthday, I expect that many of you will flood my Facebook with posts of well-wishing and good cheer. But it is very likely that your messages to me will be no different that the hundreds of others that you’ve typed out over the years. Our social media, which we claim brings us closer together, serves only to promote self-isolation and a devaluation of individual worth. We are all just automatons of the technological age. When was the last time that you actually said “Happy Birthday,” and meant it, anyway?

I say it’s time to bring compassion and effort back into the realm of human communication. It is for this reason that I ask you to take a minute out of your day, and send me five dollars. Just five dollars from each of you. Five dollars to represent a commitment to the betterment of our species, mailed to 200 Winthrop Mail Center. You don’t even have to write a card; I’d just throw it out.

Birthdays are more than just another day out of the year. They represent a promise to make mature decisions in the future, like not borrowing large amounts of money from people who disrespect you or threaten to “shove a broken lightbulb down your fucking esophagus.” Let’s all make a promise to change, and to start appreciating each other for what we really are. Thank you.


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