Hey there, music fans! 97.3 FM WDIK—The Dick!—wants you! We’re on the lookout for new rock-and-roller soldiers to fill out our lineup of party-hardy deejays, after our old staff accidentally locked themselves in our promotional van on a hot summer day. Are you ready to serve up the greatest hits of the 70s, 80s, and more? Do you have the heavy mettle to continue the legacy of greats such as Butch Delvecchio, Dirty Donna Henderson, and The Cheese? Heck yeah! In that case, let’s see if you’ve got what it takes to get on The Dick:
Job Duties and Responsibilities
- Playing the greatest rock tunes nonstop, over a reasonable 30 hour shift.
- Offering up treasured family heirlooms as prizes for call-in movie trivia contests.
- Inserting wacky sound effects into on-air interviews and crank calls. Dead air is bad air, so don’t be stingy with that fart button.
- Slipping in a song from the 1990s every once in a while, just to make people feel old.
- Knocking back beers all day long without the wife around—Gotcha! See, we’re already having fun.
- Not touching the intern’s boobs. Please. All the callers on our request line are lawyers, and they’re no longer accepting Styx tickets as compensatory damages.
- A goatee to provide some much-needed chin definition.
- The ability to announce an upcoming Bob Seger song with semi-realistic enthusiasm.
- A PhD in Art History, along with at least five publications in accredited academic journals; or just a high school diploma.
- A passion for sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll that is surpassed only by your love of sitting in a small, dark room.
- The denial that your best days are behind you.
Materials to include in your application:
- Your résumé/CV (this is a fun space, so please be sure to use the Jokerman font).
- A recording of yourself reciting all the names of Rolling Stone magazine’s top 100 guitarists of all time, without taking a breath.
- A 2015 calendar, in which all the weekdays are covered with frowny faces but all the weekend boxes read, “Oh yeah!”
- A bottle of Jim Beam.
If interested, please submit your resume and application materials to firstname.lastname@example.org.