We’ve all read a lot about how to rise to the top, but what if you’re just looking to tread water? Here are 7 easy ways to settle and not disturb the universe:
1. Buy low-pulp orange juice: A lot of stores will try to gyp you by selling less fruit for the same price, but at the same time, you don’t want to be pouring a whole orange into your glass. Best to play it somewhere in the middle.
2. Lead your recreational basketball team in assists: A lot of folks are looking to LeBron-it-up with flashy layups and buzzer-beating threes, but you can find your niche just by moving the ball around. It’s one of the fundamentals of the game. Plus, you can look forward to hearing, “Hey, nice pass!” on a weekly basis.
3. Vacation in your state capital: Eurotrips and Caribbean getaways are overrated. Why blow tons of money on a once-in-a-lifetime, multicultural experience, when you can visit the seat of your state government twice a year? With multiple Applebee’s and government-run gift shops, Harrisburg or Boise might just surprise you with what they have to offer. But probably not.
4. Marry somebody with no last name: Studies show that most divorced couples split up because they can’t agree on what their last names should be. Common solutions are to just go with the husband’s name, use an awkward hyphenated combination, or find a spouse with the same surname (I’m onto your game, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt), but these tricks usually result in uncomfortable conversations, or becoming the only four-term President of the United States. Instead, keep an eye out for a no-name hottie that will let you avoid this mess altogether. Maybe they were born off the grid, or have no concept of past identity due to a severe bout of amnesia. Either way, your new spouse will be more than happy to take your last name, and won’t have anyone else to run off to!
5. Own an Elton John Greatest Hits CD: Anybody can enjoy the most well-known piano rock selections from the John/Taupin catalogue. Still, it’s better to avoid getting involved with slightly deeper cuts–Levon and Lady Samantha are a time commitment you do not want to deal with. Sensible classics like Crocodile Rock and Bennie and the Jets will keep you grounded and in a jolly mood.
6. Die from cardiovascular disease at 79.8 years of age: Hold it right there, cowboy. We’ve had enough of the going out in a blaze of glory, or dragging your exotic terminal illness into the next century. When your time is up, we’d prefer it if you went without any of the fuss or flair. No need to make a big show about it.
7. Structure your life according to online self-help articles: If someone has gone through the trouble of publishing something on the Internet, it must be absolutely true. The world wide web is filled with nothing but well-intentioned folks with papal infallibility, so be sure to always tailor your lifestyle to their advice, even if the author goes by the name of “schlongmaster99.”